tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post2946875262616456455..comments2024-03-28T01:11:53.559-07:00Comments on Electric Spec Editor Blog: First Page Game #7lesleylsmithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14872977902924014581noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-59575956278129052312010-01-16T19:08:51.958-07:002010-01-16T19:08:51.958-07:00мексиканское порно
порно избиение
3d порно видео б...мексиканское порно<br />порно избиение<br />3d порно видео бесплатно<br />бесплатно скачать видио секс<br />бесплатное порно скачать бесплатно<br />бесплатное порно фото видео<br />бесплатное видео халявное<br />короткое бесплатное порно видео<br />порно басплатно<br />секс чемпионатAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-16460819068192732082009-08-28T09:51:31.717-07:002009-08-28T09:51:31.717-07:00I love the mop and feather duster descriptions. Ve...I love the mop and feather duster descriptions. Very funny. <br /><br />Qwuk is too close to Quick for me, especially the first time it's used with the ! and everything. Had to stop and look again to realize it was a name.<br /><br />IMO, The first bit needs some trimming or as Betsy says - replace tell with show. It really started flowing better for me in the second half.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-18161788076750991872009-08-20T09:28:14.602-07:002009-08-20T09:28:14.602-07:00I enjoyed this - both the writing, and reading the...I enjoyed this - both the writing, and reading the critiques. Fun and educational all around. :)<br /><br />This is a very cool game that you guys offer. <br /><br />Humor Sci Fi is a great genre, and I thought you set up the hook really well, Dearth. I'd defniitely keep on reading. I agree it needs alittle tightening, and maybe a touch more background, but what a fun start! I love me a Captain who snacks on his men. Funny.Mirahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02558405035294107657noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-61433474370867507682009-08-20T05:41:51.881-07:002009-08-20T05:41:51.881-07:00I really liked the voice in this, but I do agree t...I really liked the voice in this, but I do agree the names were a bit too campy for me. You might consider using really boring names for humorous effect (like Bob; Bob is funny.) Seriously, they're a smidge over the top when they look like spilled cans of alphabet soup.<br /><br />This just needs some tightening and trimming, so far as I can see. I like funny sf, so rock on!writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-120136233009605332009-08-19T20:12:46.976-07:002009-08-19T20:12:46.976-07:00And just how is it you can disagree with each othe...<i>And just how is it you can disagree with each other, and yet you both seem correct to me? </i> <br /><br />Years of practice.Betsy Dornbuschnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-78198721973796527832009-08-19T16:02:19.250-07:002009-08-19T16:02:19.250-07:00You folks are very kind, finding positive elements...You folks are very kind, finding positive elements to point out, as well as delivering laser-sharp constructive feedback. And just how is it you can disagree with each other, and yet you both seem correct to me? <br /><br />I'm very happy I played the first page critique game. Thanks for the opportunity!<br /><br />KenKen Furiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00014033773796564295noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-81325242490998100272009-08-19T08:28:24.031-07:002009-08-19T08:28:24.031-07:00Thanks for playing, Author! We appreciate it. I di...Thanks for playing, Author! We appreciate it. I did not totally agree with Editor Betsy this time. I do enjoy humor; overall I liked this and would read on. <br /><br />I didn't think the names were gimmicky (they alert the reader to the humor) but their unfamiliarity was a source of confusion. The way Qwuk was introduced was confusing; in paragraph one Qwuk appears to be some kind of curse word or exclamation. When "Qwuk, who had been at Fleegle’s side." talked I didn't get initially that he/she/it was a person--so to speak.<br /><br />In paragraph three, "Now, what is that offensive noise?” would have worked better for me if the reader could have been alerted to noise somehow before the dialog.<br /><br />The end of this was very nice. I'm guessing it won't be "a trivial conquest". :) Good setup.<br />Good luck with this piece.lesleylsmithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14872977902924014581noreply@blogger.com