tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post5122541209808155654..comments2024-03-28T01:11:53.559-07:00Comments on Electric Spec Editor Blog: entry #3lesleylsmithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14872977902924014581noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-71324425717795067832008-12-01T18:02:00.000-07:002008-12-01T18:02:00.000-07:00some neat characters, eventually... but the intro ...some neat characters, eventually... but the intro lost melaughingwolfhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08873675614347328116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-41873572556835502872008-11-24T17:24:00.000-07:002008-11-24T17:24:00.000-07:00I agree with my fellow editors' assessments. The ...I agree with my fellow editors' assessments. The passive bothered me less because I would see how the writing shapes up. And I don't always count "there was" as pure passive -- sometimes it works for prose to set a conversational tone. <BR/><BR/>No worries, though, I do have my own pet peeves and sticking points. No doubt they'll come up as the game progresses. :Dssashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15527483283426518167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-426072756902439482008-11-24T13:21:00.000-07:002008-11-24T13:21:00.000-07:00Yeah, Editor Dave hates the passive voice. One of...Yeah, Editor Dave hates the passive voice. One of my fave authors, Ms. Connie Willis, has passive-voice-itis, so I sort of like it.<BR/><BR/>If you're sensing from this exercise that Editor Dave is a stickler for good prose, e.g. no adverbs, no passive voice, etc. you would be right. I think this must be from his misspent youth...Isn't your bachelor's in English, Dave?lesleylsmithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14872977902924014581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-25188136702689832972008-11-24T11:35:00.000-07:002008-11-24T11:35:00.000-07:00I would also read more, but with a skeptical eye. ...I would also read more, but with a skeptical eye. This author hasn't grabbed me yet, but the premise is promising enough for me to see what happens next.<BR/><BR/>I agree that the quote was a turn-off. I'm not against quotes at the beginning of stories (esp. short ones), but quotes that are used to "tell" backstory rarely work. They often suggest that the author can't think of a better way to convey the information to the readers. Quotes that ultimately relate to the theme or introduce the world without "telling" can work really well.<BR/><BR/>You may decide I'm a sticker about passive voice--and you're right. Starting the story with passive voice ("There were . . .") is a another turn-off for me. In fact, the word "there" at the beginning of a sentence is usually indicates that the sentence can be written better no matter what the topic or situation. In this instance, a better sentence might be "Two vampires, a shapeshifter in semi-human form, a sword-witch, a demon named Baell, and a dozen sluts of various persuasions and genders leered down from the battlements as Boone approached."<BR/><BR/>As you can see, I also replaced "came on". I don't know what "came on" means in this context so another verb choice would be better here as well. (I suppose you could be going for a sexual double entendre here, but its not working for me if you are).<BR/><BR/>Note that the next sentence is also passive voice. It's harder to create active descriptions of setting, so this was less troubling for me. However, a possibility might be: "Boone squinted at the sky, which sparkled like ice from the vac-shield . . ."<BR/><BR/>So why would I read on despite the flaws? They are fixable (i.e. or edit-able). In contrast, we don't see too many stories with vampires, sluts, shapeshifters, and other strange creatures in the first sentence. If you can write a weird, compelling, and original story, we're usually willing to work with you to polish it and make it publishable.David E. Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15562347731539228314noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-2706945995776706892008-11-24T10:31:00.000-07:002008-11-24T10:31:00.000-07:00Kudos, author, for having the guts to play! ;)This...Kudos, author, for having the guts to play! ;)<BR/><BR/>This editor <B>really</B> did not like the quote in the beginning--if we can't figure out what's going on without some <I>Encyclopedia Sexua</I> entry, the story is no good. <BR/><BR/>However, once we begin the story, it is very promising! The cast of F characters is intriguing. I enjoyed the sluts reference and interpreted it differently than Editor Betsy; I thought it was humorous. <BR/><BR/>The description of the sky was also excellent. It reminded me of "The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel." from <I>Neuromancer</I> and adds an SF dimension to the piece. I would be excited to read more.lesleylsmithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14872977902924014581noreply@blogger.com