tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post5406142351677111128..comments2024-03-28T01:11:53.559-07:00Comments on Electric Spec Editor Blog: First page Critique Game #11lesleylsmithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14872977902924014581noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-67999159062254864522009-10-09T11:40:31.975-07:002009-10-09T11:40:31.975-07:00I like this and would read on. The one line that s...I like this and would read on. The one line that stood out for me was about his mouth falling agape. Maybe it's just me, but it reads funny.<br /><br />I love the twinkie tummy. He eats major crap that no one cares about anymore and it shows.<br /><br />Not sure about his neck muscles knotting after he opens his eyes. Is that meant to show his reaction to the accident scene? I get it more as his reaction to being jerked around in time and space (or maybe just space).<br /><br />Great job!Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-48324046026963571872009-10-06T15:48:24.755-07:002009-10-06T15:48:24.755-07:00You need to photoshop your picture to match, Dave....You need to photoshop your picture to match, Dave.Betsy Dornbuschnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-60572494831139498922009-10-06T13:58:49.380-07:002009-10-06T13:58:49.380-07:00"You're right!" said Dave, his eyes ..."You're right!" said Dave, his eyes sparkling.David E. Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15562347731539228314noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-65789459623190484592009-10-06T11:59:58.521-07:002009-10-06T11:59:58.521-07:00Nice job, author. Thank you for playing!
I think ...Nice job, author. Thank you for playing!<br /><br />I think they pointed out some stuff that will make this great story, better! Some things I didn't even see.<br /><br />Great submissionAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-30463908011369253532009-10-06T08:29:19.540-07:002009-10-06T08:29:19.540-07:00Thanks for playing, Author. We appreciate it! The...Thanks for playing, Author. We appreciate it! The premise here, of a dead "Keeper" who has some kind of magical powers is fascinating. I would definitely keep reading. <br /><br />I agree with writtenwyrdd that tweaking the language a bit could make this piece outstanding. <br />Warning: the following are all nit-picks. The phrase "the fatal sever to the carotid artery" seems awkward to me (maybe sever should take a different preposition? or is a verb being used as a noun?). <br />FYI-I happen to know Editor Dave really dislikes "sparkling eyes", thinking them a cliche.<br />Finally, the choker simile seems too girly to me. Are we talking about the necklace? Why would a guy think about a necklace? Metaphors and similes should serve to build your world or your character.<br />These are all minor points, however. Nice job! Good luck selling this.lesleylsmithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14872977902924014581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-62286974932296251632009-10-06T07:20:42.405-07:002009-10-06T07:20:42.405-07:00I couple of punctuation fixes and a bit of trimmin...I couple of punctuation fixes and a bit of trimming here and there and this will be a killer opening. It tells us what genre, sets up an intriguing situation, establishes that our doc knows the vic, and most importantly makes me want to know what happens.<br /><br />Great stuff!<br /><br />I'd suggest trimming "Whoa!" out and deleting "She smiled" in favor of having the previous sentence say "...the apparition of a smiling Mandy..." You can tighten elsewhere, but these two things stood out for me.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.com