tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post792643099471793397..comments2024-03-28T01:11:53.559-07:00Comments on Electric Spec Editor Blog: First Page Critique Gamelesleylsmithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14872977902924014581noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-83092028652571525872009-11-05T05:47:05.123-07:002009-11-05T05:47:05.123-07:00Thank you very much - if I get rejected from the m...Thank you very much - if I get rejected from the market I've currently submitted to, I'm going to think what I can do to sharpen this.Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00819223137850041043noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33599441.post-27650950377751645552009-11-02T10:04:49.859-07:002009-11-02T10:04:49.859-07:00Thanks for playing, author. We appreciate it. I t...Thanks for playing, author. We appreciate it. I thought this piece was well-written. In particular the first paragraph is very hooky. There are some very intriguing aspects to the description such as the 'red door he had heard so much about...HUMANS:DO NOT ENTER' and the 'Mazoids'. Kudos! I'm intrigued and would want to read more.<br /><br />I do think Editor Betsy has a point, though, that all the description deflates the tension of the first paragraph. For example, at this point, the table is irrelevant to the story, right? ...Unless the protag is going to throw the table at the tail or something? :)<br />Similarly, who cares about the doors, unless the protag is going to use them?<br />Description should always support the story and not exist for its own sake.<br /><br />It appears the author has a consistency issue? He takes a table and then immediately is drinking a run and coke? Where did it come from? <br />Speaking of description supporting the story...it's excellent that the author uses a specific drink--we should always write specifics. <i>But</i> a run and coke is pretty mundane drink. What about something more exotic that helps build the world (and does he throw the drink in the tail's face?--otherwise, why is he drinking in the middle of a mission?) <br /><br />I'm guessing the man with the newssheet is important...<br />Good luck with this piece!lesleylsmithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14872977902924014581noreply@blogger.com