Sorry so long! It's been a big week catching up on sleep and various other projects after conference. A word: we're running a bit low on first pages, so feel free to tell your friends to submit. If they dare. Bwahahahaha! Okay, kidding. I aim for constructive, but I do admit I'm less forgiving on these than I am on my critiques for writing buddies. This is me, trying to show you how I think as an editor. And really, I don't know what you're aiming for besides what you show me here. Anyway, here goes...
Sardonyx Nash struggled as her fellow vampire looped handcuffs around her wrists and attached them to the liquid fuel line. “Handcuffs?”
“Not just any handcuffs.” Vin Driscol, transfixed his black eyes on hers. “A mage on Venus created them. Silver with a Jade core. No creature – Not vampires, werewolf, or wraiths from Jupiter -- can break through them. The key is on that ledge. Get the crew to release you once I’m gone.”
“Release a vampire stowaway?”
“I told you not to follow me onto this spaceship, Nyx.”
Sardonyx yanked on the shackles, metal clanking. “Don’t do this.”
“Careful. This pipe here?” Vin tapped his long white finger on the pipe labeled liquid fuel. “The fuel line. If you rupture it, the SS Pantara Eve will burst into a supernova.”
Sardonyx slumped against the wall. “Vin Driscol, if you jump you’ll be hanging in space for immortal eternity.”
Vin looked over at the cargo doors. “That’s the plan, Nyx.”
“Deep space will be your eternal floating prison.”
“And being vampires, living forever, that is not a prison?” Vin pushed his arms into his leather, then tapped a code into the wall console. The inner doors jerked into slow separation.
I don't have a lot to say about this other than it's a bit sloppy with the punctuation. I marked issues with bold red font. The vast majority of our subs are clean grammatically and with punctuation. It's not a deal-breaker, but it is a strike. Cleaning up a piece with a lot of grammatical and punctuation errors is kind of like picking up my kid's room. He's more than capable of doing it himself; he just doesn't want to. It smacks of laziness. Grammar and punctuation are the most basic of your tools. Don't let ignorance or laziness hold you back .
One highlighted bit requires explanation: the name of the ship. Don't format for your editors. If you want something bold or italic, note it with underscoring And not _xx_ either. That's annoying because we have to go in and remove those extra spaces by hand.
Story-wise, I think this is a fine start except for two points. 1. I'm wondering why Nyx cares. What's it to her that the other vampire is imprisoning himself in space? 2. I'm also wondering who's head I'm in. I write with very little internal narrative myself, but give us a physical reaction, the cuffs are cold or too tight or a flutter of horror, something to let us know who's side we're on in this.
Really easy fixes, though, and the premise is different enough to catch my eye. I'd keep reading.