While you're waiting on results for our next issue (and it's awesome, if I might say) I thought I'd throw out a new First Page Entry for your perusal.
Dr. Roy Motts eyed Mandy’s lifeless body lying on the steel slab. Lacerations decorated her face, and the fatal sever to the carotid artery launched his stomach into an audible churn.
He rested his hands on his Twinkie-padded belly. “I’m so glad Hal wasn’t in the car with you,” he mumbled under his breath and looked downward.
“Me too,” a voice said with a whisper.
Startled, Roy looked up and saw Mandy sitting, staring at him. Her dark-rooted blond hair flowed over her shoulders and her green eyes sparkled.
“Whoa.” Roy stumbled back. He squinted at the body still lying on the slab then to the apparition of Mandy sitting next to it.
“What’s happening?” He tugged his shirt collar. It suddenly felt like a choker pulled three notches too tight.
“Okay, here’s the scoop. I’m a Keeper.” She hopped down from her perch. “Or I was a Keeper. I’ve only been dead a few hours, so I’m not used to the past tense talk yet.”
Roy’s mouth fell agape.
“There is something you need to see.” Mandy reached out and grabbed his arm.
As if plummeting down on a rollercoaster, Roy’s stomach dropped. The floor beneath him fell away, then with an abrupt jerk, returned to support him.
Once the sickening motion ended, Roy opened his eyes. His neck muscles knotted.
They were at the accident scene.
“How’d we get here? How am I seeing you?”
Kudos on this one for throwing a problem up front, or at least throwing your main character for a loop. We've got a dead Keeper chick who's dragging someone back to the scene of her accident. This alludes to "mystery." But I think this first page real estate could be put to still better use. What is Roy to Mandy and vice versa? At first glance I thought he was the M.E. but then the mention of Hal threw me. Who is Hal? Really, who are all these people and how are they connected? I don't get a feeling of sadness from Roy, if he is sad (maybe he isn't). Also, Mandy seems awfully chipper for being dead. Not a dealbreaker; it just struck me. I think it'll take some explanation at some point.
No real comments on the writing at all. It seems fine. I rather like "Twinkie-padded belly." As an aside, I wonder if this is meant to date the story. I know they still sell Twinkies, but does anyone still eat them? I did, as a kid, lo these 30 years ago. :)
So really, just a few more specifics to ground me, and I think I'd be hooked to read more.