First Page Game #8

Alexandria

You can’t even trust the scenery in Alexandria. Shyla checked her exit route from the top of the city gate. She watched the edges of the streets and the corners of the buildings, even the spindly trunk of the solitary palm to the left of the gatehouse, for movement. Any kind of crate or bin, any space created by walls or fences, could hide a spy, someone watching the gate just as she was.

The sun was directly overhead and the stream of people coming from the spacedocks had dried up. It was time to go. Alex is quietest at noon when the brutal heat and light drive everyone indoors. The crenellations of the gatehouse roof hid her from eyesight but not from the weather.

She stretched her legs out, circling her feet at the ankles, getting ready to scramble down the wall, trying not to make too much noise. Then she took one last look at the gate and saw them. Two men were dressed as local merchants in long layers of white and yellow silk. Yet their bearing did not say merchant. They were too alert, too strong looking, too something. Too bearded. The fashion for men on Liberty Colony is to shave.

There are good details that put me in place: we're in a SF story (spacedocks) in a town called Alexandria. We've got a character trying to jump the gate and a couple of goons in disguise, so we're getting hints of a conflict.

This will sound contradictory, but here goes. There aren't enough details and specifics.

First, character motivation. We've touched on the ineffectiveness of keeping secrets from readers during this game. Right now I'm wondering: Why is she trying to get out? Why are people after her? What are the stakes? Why are there spies? This seems to be a merchant town, so what's its underbelly look like and why does it matter to your character? Good, writers think. I have you wondering. Yeah, but unfortunately, I'm also wondering why I should care.

I think this sometimes happens accidentally. A lot of writers are pantzers and they don't know why something is happening when they put the words on the page. But it's important to go back and fill in those blanks. Sometimes it's intentional, though. So take a look at your character's motivation. Will revealing it up the tension in your scene? If it won't, then the reveal will only be that much more disappointing when we finally get it. Details and stakes help readers invest in the story and my distinct preference is to see all that as close to the first page as possible. Right now I don't feel a ton of tension in this scene. I'm guessing knowing what the stakes are would help that.

My second issue is choreography and scene setting. Despite the description, I don't have a good sense of characters moving within this scene, how far up she is, what the ground below looks like, what the true nature of the danger is. Also, the men appear out of nowhere when she's been studying the scene intently. Again, I think some specifics would help here. I don't mean a list, but instead of Any kind of crate or bin, any space created by walls or fences, could hide a spy, someone watching the gate just as she was try having her look at a specific crate with a brief description. Is there movement behind it? Is it a common hiding place? Or even hark back to the time SHE hid behind a crate and how it had given her a perfect view of the gate. And what kind of crate is it? Does it transport plants, drugs, bombs, illegal slaves? That drops a clue to the underbelly of the town. Invoke the senses. All we have are visual clues. Can she smell the illegal spice on secret trade? The reek of the alien slaves? What does the heat feel like as it pounds her back? Is sweat rolling down her sides? Can she hear ships taking off and are they near or far? Do her joints ache as she prepares to jump? A few vivid, key details go further than a broad picture to aiding a reader to paint their own picture of the scene (as readers are supposed to--again, it's part of their investment in the story).

And a final, minor point, this tense switch really threw me: Alex is quietest at noon when the brutal heat and light drive everyone indoors.

In general though, the scene would lead me to read on while watching for these issues to pop back up in the writing. Thanks for playing! I really appreciate showing these to our readers because they help everyone become more effective writers, which makes Electric Spec more fun for our readers!

First Page Game #7

Axis of Garg

Admiral Fleegle stormed about the command center and bellowed, “Qwuk! I’m not in the mood for waiting!” Fleegle was never in the mood for waiting, but that wasn’t the point. The point was he liked how his soldiers writhed with pain at his sonic blasts. “QWUUUK!”

“Here, Admiral,” said Qwuk, who had been at Fleegle’s side.

"Don't sneak, you imbecile. Now, what is that offensive noise?” Fleegle barked. If humans were present they might mistake Fleegle for a soiled, tormented mop, except that mops are not inclined to scream “Qwuuuuk!” or snack on their own soldiers whenever the mood strikes; in Fleegle’s case, the mood struck approximately all the time.

“Monitoring surface broadcasts, Admiral.” Qwuk, not quite a mop, more a soggy feather-duster with mop-ish dreams, flopped an appendage toward the viewport.

Admiral Fleegle took in the light spectrum reflecting off the blue-and-white dappled globe hanging in space. Here it was at last! He shivered with ecstasy. After searching through millennia, his kind could finally behold the Axis and bask in its perfection. How odd that the most sacred site in the universe should reside upon such a foul little hovel. It would have to go, of course.

“Nothing but a trivial conquest, Qwuk, between us and ultimate power.”

Disclaimer: This writer is an acquaintance of mine, but I read without bias. Trust me, I'd reject my best friend if he sent me a crappy story.

That said, I like it. It made me laugh, and I think it's actually supposed to. Score one for the away team. Now, onto Issues.

The silly names strike me as gimmicky. Plus, I get a little defensive, as a spec fic writer, against making fun of the genre. I'm not saying Don't Make Fun. I'm saying that your brand of making fun might not always be my brand. Nothing like humor to bring out the Subjective Hammer of Doom.

With that in mind, I'll be blunt. Most humor I reject suffers from too much telling and authorial intrusion. My brand of storytelling humor relies more on situation and reaction and less on clever clever comments in the narrative. I'm a showing fanatic, but still, I don't think I'm alone in this. Consider a TV sit-com with a narrator who's not as funny as the characters. Just the thought of it makes me squirm.

Mostly, I'm guessing this piece could use cutting. Pick out the funniest bits and cut the rest. I'd trim these lines:

Fleegle was never in the mood for waiting, but that wasn’t the point. The point was he liked how his soldiers writhed with pain at his sonic blasts.

Show that with a reaction from the soldiers on deck and Fleegle's glee. You can even keep "sonic blast" in the description. That kills two birds: more scene setting and showing rather than telling.

except that mops are not inclined to scream “Qwuuuuk!” or snack on their own soldiers whenever the mood strikes; in Fleegle’s case, the mood struck approximately all the time.

Your reader knows mops don't scream and we gather clearly from characterization and action that Fleegle screams and smacks all the time. Again, I think humor and characterization carry a lot more weight by sticking to showing Fleegle in action. Just let the image of the screaming, smacking mop ride without telling the reader "that was the funny bit, in case you missed it." In humor, more than any other genre, I think we must trust our readers to catch on.

This has great potential though. Kudos for landing the story problem front and center and for making me giggle. I'd definitely read on, but I'd keep my laser cutter handy.

Thanks for participating! Keep them coming. We do have a few more entries, and I'll play as long as they come in. :)

First Page Critique Game # 6

Sorry for the delay in posting more these. Life and writing has interfered. I'll try not to let so long go between posts in the future. We've got several more and are still accepting vict...er, pages.

So. Lets get on with it.

I

The Guitar

“Dude, please, you gotta take me with you this time.”

Kalek perched on a low branch of a Platinum Oak, his Elven ears poking through a massive mound of ragged curls. I cringed at the way his onyx eyes gleamed. He’d convince me, I was sure, but I wouldn’t go down without a fight.

“No way,” I said, “I’m going camping. Alone. That means without you, so forget it.”

He jumped down from the tree, lithe as a panther, and stood in front of me. “C’mon. I’ve never been off the island. Just this once.”

“You’re father will be furious.”

“I know, dude, all the more reason.”

I should have known he’d say that. He’d never admitted it, not outright anyway, but that was pretty much the reason he’d befriended me. There wasn’t a person on the island his old man hated more than me. Why he’d stayed friends with me, I’ll never know. Tattooed Elven rockers and homebody farm boys generally have little in common, but somehow we’d become brothers. My camping trips were the only times I insisted he stay away.

“Uh-uh. Nope. Not a chance,” I said, shaking my head and turning to leave the clearing. As I walked across the carpet of grass and leaves, the forest trees surrounding us began to sway like sentinels.

I suddenly felt trapped by my own will to stay.

Intriguing bit here. I like me some angsty elves and it's feeling urban fantasyish, something we're not seeing a ton of. Nice, easy voice, too. It doesn't get in the way of the story.

I do have a couple of issues that mostly could be revised away. First of all, who's who? The author mentions a rocker elf and a farmboy, but I can't really tell from this piece which is which. A little more specific language would help. Are they both elves? Is one of them human? (I never assume a character is human in spec fic. That's part of the fun.)

We also have the common problem of an unnamed first person protag; that's an easy fix and doesn't have to be immediate. I recently sold a first person story with an accidentally unnamed protag. I didn't realize until after it was sold. My bad. Actually, it could matter less to some stories, but a writer should omit things intentionally.

"He'd convince me, I was sure, but I wasn't going down with out a fight." Okay line, but that sort of summary could be better shown, especially so early on. Show him protesting and then giving in. Let the reader take the measure of your character rather than a character spitting it all out for us. If you feel the conflict isn't strong enough on the first page without that statement, then tighten up the scene to better show it.

There is some conflicting info in the narrative that confuses me. Kalek wants to go off the island and camp with the protag; the protag is trapped by his own will to stay. Our protag is not staying if he's going camping off the island, right? So why is he trapped by his will to stay?

Also, Kalek befriends him because his father hates him. Nice conflict, but I'm confused by their being like brothers and the protag wondering why Kalek remains friends with him. All that doesn't quite link up in my mind.

I like the foreshadowing of the swaying trees. It feels all elfy and dangerous to me. Cool.

I don't see an utterly clear conflict on this page, but I do see hints of one, so I'd probably continue reading to find out what happens. Good work on this and thanks for playing! More to come.

Writing on Reading: I Am Legend

Many people are familiar with the movie "I am Legend," but fewer are familiar with Richard Matheson's novel of the same name. Even though the movie came out fairly recently, the novel has been around since 1953. In some ways, the novel was before its time because it predated the fascination with vampires that is rampant in fiction today and the also (less) popular post-apocalyptic setting. The first 2/3 of the novel is very good, despite showing its age a little. The last 1/3 or so of the book is strange--and not, in my opinion, a good way. It is basically a series of short stories only tangentially related to the rest of the novel.

One interesting aspect of the novel was comparing it to the screenplay for I Am Legend. (This is actually the third film based on the novel--bonus points for those who can name with other two WITHOUT doing a web search). This was one of those rare instances where the screenplay was better than the novel. (Another note: I'd give credit to the screenplay's author, but it appears several authors worked on it as it was developed and I'm unclear on who did the version that finally got filmed). Not only was the ending better in the screenplay, but I thought the screenplay did a better job of playing up the drama of the situation, making the protagonist more sympathetic and believable, and making the vampires scarier.

Baens Universe Closing

Jim Baens Universe Magazine is closing its doors next April. It's a fine ezine run by denizens of the SF community who made every effort to reach out to readers and writers via their Baens Bar Slush and other forums. I read Baen's early on and was encouraged by their efforts to publish newbies. I nearly had my first pro sale there, picked up off their Bar Slush. It was set for publication until the murders at Virginia Tech happened. Eric Flint wrote me his personal regrets, telling me how much he loved the story but couldn't in good conscience publish it due to the violent nature.

But in the end, Baen's just didn't make the money. Paying pro rates is tough; making money on magazines is tougher. Frankly, I think the real problem is that most people equate Internet with Free. There's simply too much free content out there, like Electric Spec, to compete with. Baen's tried to do everything right, tried to tackle the Internet Age from a publishing standpoint, but has ultimately failed.

We've been in this little venture for 3 1/2 years, paying not nearly enough for our stories, good stories. Even so, we have an active slush and readership and we like to think we publish great stories here in our little corner of the Internet. At every production meeting we discuss how we could pay better rates. We know, and Baen's confirms this, that subscriptions are not likely to pay the bills. Still, we are always looking into creative ways to continue bringing you great, free fiction while paying our authors rates they deserve. We believe writers deserve more. The folks at Jim Baen's Universe did, too, and I'm sorry to see them go.

2009 Hugos!

You knew they were coming...The 2009 Hugo Awards were given out this weekend at Anticipation. And (some of) the winners are:

• Best Novel: The Graveyard Book, Neil Gaiman (HarperCollins; Bloomsbury UK)
  
• Best Novella: “The Erdmann Nexus”, Nancy Kress (Asimov’s Oct/Nov 2008)
  
• Best Novelette: “Shoggoths in Bloom”, Elizabeth Bear (Asimov’s Mar 2008)
  
• Best Short Story: “Exhalation”, Ted Chiang (Eclipse Two)

Congratulations to all the nominees and winners. Read more about the 2009 Hugos.

2009 Sideways Award Winners

The 2009 Sidewise Awards for Alternate History were awarded at the annual World Science Fiction Convention this weekend: The winner for Best Short Form is: "Sacrifice" by Mary Rosenblum (Sideways in Crime, Solaris) and The winner for Best Long Form is: The Dragon's Nine Sons by Chris Roberson (Solaris)

Congratulations to all the nominees and winners! :)

Of course, Anticipation, the 67th Worldcon is happening right now!

Some random facts from the Saturday morning newsletter:

The con had 3120 warm bodies at the close of registration yesterday.

The Con hotel closed down four parties last night because of overcrowding and the lifts were briefly closed to slow the rush to the parties.

And the funniest: Important Notice (Water) We couldn't help but notice that some of the parties last night were, well, a bit niffy. If you are one of the people who hasn't had a shower yet this weekend, Now Is The Time. Deodorant is also good.

First Page Game #5

Paper Soldier

I run my fingers over the paper face on the recruiting poster. The army’s human weapon, shot then cast aside. How do soldiers – trained, ordered, paid to kill – come home and never kill again? Would my thirst for blood, power, violence be slaked by being that weapon, a pawn in someone else’s dangerous game? I think not. But I will meet with this Sgt. Masterson on the morrow. Perhaps become this man’s first female recruit.

My fingers glide across the poster. One claw rips through the soldier’s neck exposing the red brick underneath. My gaze lingers on the words under his feet. Serve the country that has rejected me, relegated me to this half-life, this lonely, nocturnal existence? Why do I torture myself with dreams of acceptance? Anger rises, my flesh radiates the heat. The edges of the poster curl and blacken. I draw away before it can become a flame.

Leaving the decapitated soldier behind, I venture out of the darker alley onto the main street of shops dimly lit by the flickering gas lamps. Time for a little window shopping.

The speculative elements intrigue me, and the story obviously depends on them, which is a Good Thing. The author isn't making me wait either, thereby bypassing a common slush issue. I like the heat radiating flesh, the thirst for violence, the claws. Also, the bitterness and anger indicates conflict even though the character is alone.

I'd probably keep reading, but--and its a big one--I'd be wondering what this little display (all she really does is tear up a poster) has to do with the story. I'm already wondering if this is where the story begins. We have a vague problem with the right degree of complication--she wants to get recruited and go to war to ease her thirst for violence, but she's a creature, and a female one at that. (If she felt a bit torn over her violent tendencies, it might add something--or not. I like me some dark characters so I'm cool with it.) But is it enough? We'd have to see how it plays out. "Going to war" doesn't seem as exciting and conflict-ridden as "being at war " or even "returning home from war." Just a thought.

I'm also seeing a lot of internal narrative--especially questions--substituted for concrete action. I'm wondering if her bitterness and thirst for violence could be better shown. I greatly prefer action over internal narrative, especially in short stories, because I feel internal narrative can do a lot of the fun work for readers. I've mentioned this before, and my fellow editors don't always agree with me, but I rank internal narrative right up there with telling: a little goes a long way. I'd be asking this author what can she do to show this creature's thirst for violence and seeming internal conflict over it via action?

There's enough hints at scene setting:the brick wall, the gas lamps, recruiting a first female, the poster, to satisfy me for a first page, but I'd want it nailed down pretty quick. Generally good work here, though. Thanks so much for playing!!

I've got lots more so keep reading and commenting. The participation in the comment thread has been the most fun, especially when folks kindly disagree. :)

Writing on Reading: Conspiracies: A Repairman Jack Novel

Conspiracies is the second book in the "Repairman Jack" series of novels by F. Paul Wilson. I confess I had not read The Tomb, which is the first book in the series. It was one of those situations where I was at the library, I needed a book, I had little time, and Conspiracies was available. Even not knowing the full backstory, I was impressed with the novel. It is one of those difficult to classify genre novels--not sci-fi or fantasy, if you ask the publishers. Some call it horror or a "paranormal thriller." The book takes place in our world, but has elements that don't exist in our world. However, they are not really "magic" based and not really "science" based. Also, no vampires or werewolves. (Yeah!) Hence, the genre dilemma.

Whatever the genre, I thought the novel worked really well, and I plan to go back and read the first one. The protagonist is interesting and likable, and the plot was unique and tightly written. My only real criticism is that there were a few points in the book that lagged and seemed like filler, but that's a minor nit.

I confess I have another, more personal, reason I enjoyed Conspiracies. The novel I'm trying to sell is also one of those difficult to define genre novels, and this book is the closest I've seen to mine. Proof that people out there read this stuff!

First Page Entry #4

Forever Keep

A faint breath of violets roused me, a tease of spring air, sunshine and Jeran's kiss. It was a lovely whisper, and pure fantasy. I'd yet to open my eyes, but I was under no misconceptions, Nevron Kareck did not bedeck his dungeons with flowers and my husband was nowhere at hand, thank the gods.

Sometimes I simply smelled violets. It was a construct of my mind, a limited form of defense, granted, but it consumed none of my pathetic strength. Indeed, after calling up the dream-scent with a purpose during the first weeks of my incarceration it now came on its own whimsy.

I didn't mind. Those dreams were a fair stretch better than reality, a reality now breaking upon me.

Screaming wrists and shoulders warned I was strung up by my arms, and the stone beneath my knees, marble-smooth rather than rough, told me I was not in my cell, but in the chamber Kareck dubbed his workroom. Cuts, bruises and breaks re-announced their presence as well, but it was the injury notorious in absence which pained most darkly.

The gut wound, with its deadly seepings, was traitorously Healed.

I groaned.

"She's conscious, my lord." Mavene, the bitch.

I'm intrigued by this story. I would read on, definitely. Got a big problem up front. Got a character who's already gaining my sympathy by dreaming of better times, she's in a dungeon, and she so far seems pretty brave if she's able to call her captive names.

But the sentence structure concerns me right off in the first graph. For instance:

I'd yet to open my eyes, but I was under no misconceptions, Nevron Kareck did not bedeck his dungeons with flowers and my husband was nowhere at hand, thank the gods.

Technically, we've got four complete clauses here and two compound sentences. It's a run-on, to get picky with it, because of improper punctuation. This alerts me as an editor because I wonder if I must re-punctuate the entire story. I'm not saying I'd cut this into four separate sentences, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I passed it through like this without some thought. The two compounds need to be separated by a semi-colon and if I'm doing that, I'd just go to a full-top, and then what's to really keep me from reworking the pacing altogether? Would it work better with a choppy beat? No? But two compound sentences in sequence might bug me... Well, it could work here, but not if that pattern repeats itself. So you see how this leads on?

Caveat. Of course writers employ improper punctuation and run-ons and fragments for effect. But this writer loves long sentences. One of them has 39 words! Whew! I had to go back and reread a couple of times. So in this case, sentence structure is kicking me out of the story rather than taking me by the hand and leading me through it.

To verge further into editorial opinion: Long sentences add to the dreamy sequence at the start, but greatly hinder the transition into cold, hard reality later on. I also don't feel the stone beneath my knees or the cuts and bruises, though this writer is clearly capable of making me do so. They're buried in so many words, the effect is lost.

Sentence structure is one of the tools in your box, affecting everything from meaning to pacing to atmosphere. It's your job as writers to employ structure to gain intended effect. I don't have total confidence I'm in capable hands in this piece, so I'm wary. But because of the inciting incident, I would read on.

Thanks so much for entering so we all can learn, including me! :)

First Page Entry #3

Hi. First, a word about formatting. Typesetting is the editor's job. We get some crazy-like formatting in our submissions. Some writers lurve them some typesetting, so we get bold, capped titles and pretty italic bylines and squigglies instead of # scene breaks. Please remember, everything you do to your manuscript, we have to undo.

Em-dashes and two spaces after semi-colons make it easier on our tired eyes. Things like underlining rather than italics make it much easier to find. (My personal most hated is _word_ because it requires annoying deleting.) We ask for industry-standard formatting to make it easier for writers, so please read our guidelines.

Ok, here goes with another First Page Contestent:

Eternal Amusements

Each time Jewel promised herself she’d remember, but she never did.

It started the same way; standing at the turnstile holding a ticket made of stars. It shined so brightly she couldn’t read what it said. Jewel handed it to the clapping monkey who waved her through. She passed under the arched entrance and took in the carnival music, the giggling of children, and the sound of roller coasters whooshing through the air. Now she remembered.

“Welcome back,” said a park greeter who resembled Jewel’s mother. The woman’s cotton candy pink lips stretched and spun into a smile.

“Thank you.” Jewel continued on, leaving the woman and the memory of her mom to dissolve like warm sugar into the sunlight.

“Would you like a map?” asked a man with white cheddar popcorn teeth. She inhaled his hospitality, relishing the fresh popped smell.

“No, thank you. I’ve been here many times,” she said confidently.

Jewel walked past the merry-go-round. The blasé faces rotated along the circular track; their scenery never changing, their ride lacking excitement.

Under her breath she uttered, “Never again.”

There's some evocative imagery here--the ticket made of stars, the clapping monkey, the popcorn teeth and warm sugar in sunshine. Unfortunately, I have no idea what this story is about. The first line in particular bothers me. I'm not crazy about enigmatic hooks. In my experience, too often it means the premise and story problem isn't solid enough. But I think it's an easy fix. Simply state what it is she won't remember, if that does in fact relate to the story problem. (I'm thinking it had better relate, being the first line and all.)

I'm going to pick out another line because it holds both showing and telling. For the record, I don't disapprove of telling, nor this line. I just think it's an interesting opportunity to study a subtle difference.

The blasé faces rotated along the circular track; their scenery never changing, their ride lacking excitement.

The first two clauses are showing - pure description. Their ride lacking excitement leans more to the telling camp, because it makes a judgement call for the reader. This writer is good enough to not rely on much telling because of demonstrated skill with description. But back to my disclaimer: sometimes it's easier to tell in a short story because we don't have a lot of real estate to move the plot along. That's a writer's judgement call.

Overall, even though the description puts me in the scene, not knowing why Jewel is there makes it tough for me to care. Writing is communicating. A story is a contract that claims: here is a problem and I'm going to give you a rollicking ride to its resolution. Don't keep secrets from the reader. Be specific. Show action that provides pertinent, solid information. Set not only the scene--which is done well here--but the premise for the story.

Thanks so much for sending this in! I've got lots more coming up, so stay tuned!

Writing on Reading: City of Ember

Jeanne DuPrau's City of Ember is a YA book aimed at grades 4-7. I read it because it was recommended by my daughter, who (thus far) is not much of a fantasy fan. She thinks the Harry Potter books are too scary, and she couldn't get into Peter and the Starcatchers. But she assured me that City of Ember was "my kind of book." She was right. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if I fall into the YA target audience better than adult spec-fic. (See, for instance, the rave review I gave to Little Brother).

I very much enjoyed City of Ember. Yes, the plot was somewhat simple and predictable. However, the world was quite unique and the characters sympathetic and lovable. Sometimes it is refreshing to read a short, no-nonsense fantasy tale--just the way you liked them when you were a kid.

First Page Entry #2

When twilight brought sirocco winds sweeping through the mud brick alleys of ancient Aplinar, Meida roused from a sweaty doze to prepare for the evening. She braided her damp curls and donned the local fashion, a loose-fitting salwar tunic and baggy kameez pants of the working class, then draped herself in a dark blue chadri. Made of silk and embroidered with a pattern of leaves and vines forming glyphs intended to guard the wearer's virtue, the chadri was high caste, expensive—and something Meida might have chosen to wear in the long ago days at the Temple. It was also stifling, both because of heat and the magical cloud it settled upon her aura. The expensive bit of camouflage would go down the nearest midden as soon as she was done with it, and good riddance. But for now it masked her power and the various charms, gris-gris and mundane weaponry she carried on her person.

She checked her gear one last time, made sure all was ready for a hurried departure, coded the biolock on her bags with a thumbprint, and sketched a glyph of aversion across both possessions and the rickety door. Then, in a ritual as old as her freedom, she checked the rubies at forehead, wrist, ankle, neck and navel, ensuring they remained bound against the golden semiconductors tracing her skin.

Here's an instance of personal editorial bias: this writer has hit upon a favorite of mine. Well written epic-style fantasy, sword and sorcery, and medieval-esque worlds are not something we see a lot of in our slush (well-written being key). I love me some magic and swords and folks getting around on horses.

I have a hunch this will be a well-written tale. We're in a new world, and I'm grounded and intrigued by the clever use of contrasts (what she's wearing verses why she doesn't want to wear it and how it alludes to her past; expensive, disposable clothes verses rickety doors). We suspect she's in some danger, not because the author ever mentions it but because this is a classic example of showing: the care with which she dresses and protects her belongings indicates some threat.

Plus there's nary a line of internal narrative in sight. That's another personal bent--I'm not crazy about a ton of internal narrative, especially when it stands in for showing a character in action. To me, internal narrative often stops the story and feels too intrusive. However, some editors greatly favor well-written internal narrative, even editors on staff here at Electric Spec. :)

In a couple of hundred words I know a dozen things about this character and setting:

• She's in an ancient city
• at twilight
• it's windy (Hemmingway says "don't forget the damned weather")
  
• she lives in a world with distinct castes
• she's a careful, capable character
• likely adult
• she used to go to Temple--there's religion (briefly mentioned details flesh out a world)
• she's a she (you'd be surprised)
• she's in potential danger
• with a past she doesn't want to return to ("a ritual as old as her freedom")
• she has money or means of some sort (expensive, magical clothes, bags, rubies)
• she does her own magic,
• indicating a level of education and sophistication
  

What I don't know is the story problem. That's okay so far because the action strongly alludes to one.

Now, all that said, there are questions I'd be asking myself as I read, especially if a problem didn't present itself pretty quick. Starting a story when a character wakes up is ancient cliche. Would the story work better if it started when the character was fully awake? Next, we learn a lot from her getting dressed, true. But you have, say, 3-5K words to get your entire story across. If the narrative continues in this leisurely pace I'd start wondering if only mundane stuff was going to happen for pages and pages. (Showing mundane action in great detail is something Lesley aptly calls "walking the dog".) This is something we notice in those 6999 word tomes in which every action and outfit is outlined in exhaustive detail.

There were several unfamiliar words to this editor: sirocco, kameez, chadri, salwar. Big, made-up, and unfamiliar words makes fantasy fun! And it's a sign of confidence in a storyteller, dropping slang and world-specific terms in-text without explanation. But think carefully about how many you want to throw at a reader at once.

A couple of elements in the last graph threw me as SF over F, which were biolock and semiconductors. I like when genre elements mingle. Heck, my own WIP is a futuristic multi-world fantasy with a ton of SF weaponry and a mix of ancient and future socio-economic conditions. But I think you have to warn a reader early on that the combination of elements is not going to be standard fare. Is this early enough? I don't know. Like I said, I noticed it. But I wouldn't stop reading for it.

All in all, I'd definitely read on.

Thanks for playing and keep 'em coming! We have several, but there's always room for more, so tell your friends. :)

First Page Critique Game

Galaxy of Spirits

“It must be strange for you, standing here after all this time.”

Mark breathed in the thin, dry, dusty air. “Lost would be a better description.” He walked a few steps further away from the shuttle and stopped. Crouching down, he pushed his hands into the sand and watched the two handfuls he pulled up fall through his fingers.

“Do you want to be left alone?”

“I want to be sent back home.”

“Do you want to be left alone?”

Mark sighed. “Just leave me in peace for a while.”

“It can only be for a minute, then we have to return to the homeship.”

The slow, crunching sound of Hanry's methodical walk back to the shuttle was only a mild relief to Mark. After the extended grind of metal on sand as Hanry turned round on the sand by the shuttle's ramp, there was relative silence.

Mark listened to the faint sound of the wind in the thin atmosphere. He stood up and glanced over his shoulder at the lump of human shaped metal and plastic that was Hanry. He stood there, unmoved, waiting for the moment when his internal chronometer would start the program to collect Mark and take him back to the shuttle. “Typical bloody robot.”

Cool, intriguing title.

I greatly prefer a story problem to present itself as close to the start of the story as possible. I subscribe to the "start the story on the first page and end it on the last" school of thought. This is not a "rule," though I'm hardly the only one with that bent. This is my strong preference. But preference is what you run up against with editors.

So, from reading this, all I've got is that Mark wants to go home. No idea why. No imminent threat or dilemma. I don't see much holding him back from this goal, if that is his goal. (In fact, he's about to get on the "home"ship.) This is not to say I need a shoot-'em-up right off the bat. But I need some hint of a problem, a sizable one that compels me to wonder how Mark is going to solve it.

See my thinking here? A page in and I'm still looking for something to grab me: a cool setting, a problem, and a compelling character to solve it. I'm not thinking what will Mark do next?

As for the writing, I see a couple of issues that alerted me that this story might not be for me. For instance, I'm not a fan of stacked modifiers because it makes for sufficient writing rather than great writing. "Thin, dry, dusty air" is sufficient, but that's really all it is.

Put yourself in my shoes for a minute.

• I'm on a new planet. I'd like to know what the air tastes like, what Mark smells, what it tells him. Has a bomb gone off, ruining the atmosphere? Is he breathing bones and ash? Alien poop? What's the sand feel like? Hot? Cold? Remind him of that time on Orion5 when he hung out with that chick? Played with his kid? Killed that guy? Which leads me to:
• I've just met Mark. I feel the writer missed the opportunity to directly link Mark's experience of breathing, the simplest of acts, right into Mark's personality, past, problem, and to this world he's standing on. As an aside, I live at altitude in a semi-arid climate. I breathe thin, dry, dusty air pretty often. How does Mark's experience differ from mine? Or does it? Either way is okay, but it's the writer's job to control the reader's experience to some degree. That's what editors mean when they say they're in the hands of a great storyteller.
  

I like when writers use every opportunity to subtly introduce character and situation via action. I don't mean drag me through a bunch of internal narrative. Just drop a few clues to help me get my boots on the ground. So while this scene is sufficient, it doesn't work nearly as hard as it could.

Ditto with "was." For the record, I don't hate was. I think it's a handy little verb. But I like to call to-be construction "kinda passive" construction, more as a joke than anything. Some people call all to-be construction passive construction, but that's not technical enough for this editor. Passive construction is when action is being done to the subject in the sentence rather than the subject being the actor. In either case, I always ask myself: is there a better way to rephrase?

Now, I realize that by using was it might've been the writer's intent to add to the aura of malaise. But when I see a bunch of to-be construction combined with something like stacked adjectives, I start wondering if the writing will be just sufficient throughout. The vast majority of our rejections have sufficient writing.

I'd give this a few more graphs, but it'd have to make a turn-around pretty quickly to get me to read on.

Thanks so much for playing! Hopefully this is of some help! Readers, feel free to kindly comment and ask questions in the thread.

First Page Critique Game!!!!!!!!!!

It's time for another First Page Critique Game!!!!!!!!!!

I've been pretty slow in blogging lately, not to mention my slush--summer's for hanging with the kids outside, not working! Y'all need to kick me into gear! The Game Is On.

Slightly adjusted rules:

1. Send FIRST PAGE only. Yes, you may finish your sentence @ 200 words. Per our guidelines, that's generous. A title might be nice, too. Please don't explain what the story is about in your email. A short story should stand on its own. A first page should stand on its own as well, since that's sometimes all the time you get with an editor before s/he hits delete.

Free advice: don't summarize your story in regular cover letters either.

2. Speculative Fiction only. Meaning Fantasy, Science Fiction, Horror. Gimme ghosts and goblins and the undead and zombies and magic, the more the better. Speculative elements should be a MAJOR part of the plot, not a side gig or deus ex machina, yanno? See current issue for what I mean.

Free advice: You'll notice lots of times the speculative elements appear on the first page. Take from that what you will.

2. Send your First Page Only labeled RE: First Page Game to submissions @ electricspec . com. Feel free to include your entry in the body of the email. You MUST label your entry or it'll get lost in our sizable slush. This angers the slushmaster and his editors.

Free advice: You wouldn't like us when we're angry.

Please note: this game is not a shortcut around our slush. Regular submissions labeled this way will be deleted unread.

3. While you may submit a previously rejected story for an opinion, do not submit stories currently in the ElectricSpec slush thinking you can get a quicker turnaround. Trust me, we'll figure it out at some point and get really really irritated with you, and your name shall be forever inscribed upon our Wall Of Shame. Ditto with other people's work, published or not. Don't try to trick us or do someone else a favor or a wrong. On that note, obviously we can't control whether or not it's on submission somewhere else. Use your best judgment.

Free advice: Tricking editors and breaking rules makes bad mojo.

4. The entries will appear anonymously, unless you identify yourself in the comments. However, please use your real name in the email.

Free advice: While we're on the topic, go ahead and write me a little note. Ask a question or make a comment. Who knows? I might even answer. This is a chance to communicate in other ways than through our slush pile and I love talking to writers!

5. By submitting to The Game, you're agreeing to allow us to publish your first page on this blog alongside our comments so that others may learn from your foibles and fantastica. Certainly if the story is accepted elsewhere for publication and you want us to remove the post, we can do that.

Free advice: some magazines, especially the electronic sort, consider any publication online to be publication. Most experts agree that an excerpt is not considered "published."

6. By submitting to The Game, you're confirming the work is yours and that you own full rights. Previously unpublished is best.

7. Even if I like your page really really lots and lots, it doesn't guarantee publication in ElectricSpec. But if I like your page lots and lots, feel free to submit the whole story to us pronto. If I like it not so much, feel free to revise and submit the whole story to us pronto.

8. This is my game, I made it up, I make up the rules at will. The other editors may or may not participate, that's up to them. Keep in mind we all have day jobs and families and Lives, so I'm not promising a quick turn-around. Last time I got several at once and it took me awhile to get through them.

9. Please don't harass us if we don't fall in love with your page. Our regular policy is to NOT comment on stories from our slush, so this is a special exception. Real special.

Free advice: no toadies or sycophants, please. I get enough of that from Gremlin.

10. [Reserved for any other rules we think up.]

Writing on Reading: The Name of the Wind

Patrick Rothfuss' The Name of the Wind is fantasy novel is an impressive debut. It has sold extremely well, gotten great reviews, and developed a large fan base. The accolades are well-deserved, if perhaps a little over-the-top. The book is well-written, with a fairly unique, complex world and good characterization. My only real criticism of the book is same that I have for many epic fantasies these days: it feels like only part of a book. After a hefty 600 or so of the pages, none of the books major plot lines get resolved. Here's a lot of heavy foreshadowing about exciting things come come, but all of the "answers" to the novel's mysteries have been put off for another day.

As a result, fans have been pestering Rothfuss for the next book since its release in 2007. While I sympathize with authors who are under fan (and publisher) pressure to get our another book, I can see why fans have been so impatient. Reading The Name of the Wind is a bit like being 3/4 of the way through a great book and then having someone steal if from you so you can't finish.

Slush Review

I read slush earlier in the week. Biggest problem: not getting what the story is about. Speculative fiction is slippery and the worlds are new and different. Many writers failed to ground this editor with scene setting and primary conflict.

This is unusual. Typical problems include unoriginal concept, enough small mechanics issues that they add up to a lot of work for a tired editor, or perfectly good stories that just don't suit our magazine. (The whole "don't suit our needs at this time" is truer more often than you'd imagine.)

If you've got a particularly original plot or are blending genres or really stretching things in any particular direction, then you've got to be even more particular about setting the scene and establishing the story problem. Get the primary problem as close to the first page as you can, definitely in the first scene. Establish answers to the journalistic questions that every reader wants answered: Who? What? Where? When? and especially Why?

We love originality here at Electric Spec, but it's not a license to blow off the rest of your job as a writer.

Stories within Stories

I've read several submissions recently that have featured a character telling a story about other characters. I find that this technique rarely works in the short story form, either as a way of introducing backstory or as an alternate way of telling the primary story. A few problems are inherent in that technique:

• The story feels less immediate because the connection with the protagonist is distanced
• There's a credibility problem: can we believe the character that is telling the story?
• Formatting can be difficult, especially when you have to use quotes inside quotes

So, if you find a character in one of your stories telling a story, think about taking the "telling" character out and writing the story from the POV of the true protagonist. If the backstory is complex but also essential to the story, then consider rethinking the plot. How can you make it more immediate?

overly idealized characters?

One of my writing groups recently brought up the concept of "Mary Sue" and "Gary Stu". I must admit I was not familiar with the term. Apparently Mary Sues and Gary Stus are overly idealized characters. Wikipedia indicates they lack flaws, and primarily function as wish-fulfillment fantasies for their authors. Hhm...my Mary Sue would be a famous editor who wanted to buy dozens of books from me... Oh, wait, I digress.

I was shocked to hear authors still write characters like this. Didn't this go out in the 1950s? None of our Electric Spec authors do this.
Has anyone read any Mary Sues lately?

Keep sending us your flawed-character-filled stories!
(I must confess I am a little behind on my slush, but will catch up by the end of the month.)

Writing on Reading: Brasyl

I recently read the 2007 novel Brasyl by Ian McDonald. It's been nominated for many awards including the best novel Hugo (2008) and best novel Nebula (2009). I picked up it because of a rave review in Asimov's or Analog (can't recall which, sorry) which said among other things it is a novel of The Multiverse.

Brasyl has three Brazilian timelines: 1732, 2006, and 2032. In these three time lines there are different pov characters including an Irish-Portuguese Jesuit, a psychotic rogue priest, a french natural philosopher, a reality TV producer, a quantum hacker, and a hustler. The 1732 plotline is very reminiscent of Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness or maybe even Francis Ford Coppola's movie Apocalypse Now. The 2006 and 2032 timelines really reminded me of William Gibson's Neuromancer, by which I mean a lot of style, perhaps at the expense of plot.

The so-called science in this science fiction novel is a magical frog. Specifically, there's an Amazonian frog "whose eye is so sensitive that it can perceive a single photon of light, a single quantum event. The frog sees the fundamental quantum nature of reality." Thus, folks lick the frog and it enables them to perceive and move between the multitude of quantum realities.

I really try to stay positive in these little mini-reviews, so I'll leave you with this: This book is very creative.

Did you read it? What did you think?

Oh, and there's a Portuguese-English glossary in the back of the book--you'll need it.

We're Live!

And We're Live with the new issue! Kudos to Editor Betsy and the rest of the behind-the-scenes group for all their hard work!

Update

The blog's been quiet as we've been getting the new issue ready, but it is nearly ready and will go live on schedule, or maybe just a bit early as I'm leaving town for the holiday.

We've got 7 great stories--a slightly darker issue than usual, which, of course, I love. There are bugs and angels and all sorts of nasties...can't wait to show it to the world! Plus,we've an interview with Stuart Neville, whose debut novel is taking the British Isles by storm, and our regular movie column.

Our slush has also been quiet--not on the intake side! but on the reading side. I for one, with company and the holiday, am not likely to read until July.

Happy Fourth to our Stateside readers.

Writing on Reading: Sunshine

 I've mentioned before that I don't get too excited about vampire novels, but I read Robin McKinley's Sunshine because of some recommendations. I liked several aspects of Sunshine over other vampire tales I've read. In McKinley's world, vampires are much different than humans--they move differently, look less than human, and act strange. This is better than vampires who are essentially human except they have super abilities and drink blood. Also, McKinley's novel takes place in an alternate world that is quite different than ours. She's developed alternative history and culture that's both interesting and unique. McKinley is also a talented writer with a deft touch and an enjoyable voice, which adds a great deal to the book.

On the other hand, the novel goes over ground that feels tired to me. The issue of how could a vampire and human actually get along or . . . actually love each other does not interest me all that much. Also, the awe and mystery is missing from vampires simply because we've all heard about them. So, if you like urban fantasy involving vampires, Sunshine is a good choice. But if you're already eating lots of garlic to keep vampire stories away, steer clear.

2009 Stoker Awards

I know we have a lot of horror writers/readers out there... As you may or may not know, the 2009 Stoker Awards were presented Saturday, June 13 in Burbank California. Each year, the Horror Writer's Association presents the Bram Stoker Awards for Superior Achievement. The winner for short fiction was: "The Lost" by Sarah Langan. Congratulations to all the nominees and winners! Read more about the awards at www.stokers2009.org.

Right Market, Right Time

From under a pile of rejections, it is sometimes hard to remember that it is often not about your writing; it's about the market. For example, awhile back I stumbled upon a magazine that happened to be looking for a story set in a certain kind of world exploring a certain theme. I could hardly believe how well a story I'd written fit what these editors were looking for. My story had been rejected by several other markets, but sure enough I submitted it to this one and it sold.

So, don't get too discouraged in the submission process. Sooner or later you may well find the right market!

Taglines

We had an intriguing discussion about short stories at our critique group last time we met, and I've been meaning to post about it ever since. We were discussing how we go about writing our stories. Some of us discover through drafting. Some of us write detailed plots. I live somewhere close to plotting, but I let drafting guide my hand once a plot's on paper. I tend to chart my stories on a line with crosshatches to indicate turning points and crisis points. I've taken far too many scenic routes and wrong turns to trust myself entirely to meandering in drafting. Some of my plots are more detailed than others. But one thing I do, which I tend to do with all my stories be they novels or short stories, is to write a tagline.

The tagline is the sales line, a pitch if you will, used for films and also to sell novels. Short stories don't require taglines because frankly, most short story editors don't care about anything other than how long the dang thing is when we first open the file.

I don't think it matters when you write the tagline, either. You don't have to start with a tagline if all you've got is a character with a problem and that's how you operate. But what taglines do, whenever you write them, is give you focus. Then, whether you have the tagline at the start or write it after your first draft, you can make sure every scene supports the main idea. Yup. It's that five paragraph essay, come back to haunt you.

For instance, on my personal blog I plotted a short story, real time, online. It took me some days to complete the plot, and I ended up with something a little more detailed than usual because of all the thought writing the posts inspired. (The posts are here if you want to read them). But early on, I wrotee a tagline. That way I'd know immediately if I started to stray off path while plotting. It read like this: Kaelin is ordered to murder the woman he loves in order to save her from a fate worse than death.

Not even the most original of problems. You'll find many story problems, at their heart, aren't original at all. But basic works. Basic raises all sorts of questions. That's rather the point, actually. Why, who, where, what, when, how? Why should we care about Kaelin? Unoriginal problem, so what makes him so different? Why is this story about HIM and not some other flunky? What is this "fate worse than death"? Where is this crazy thing happening? When does it happen? Is it particularly timed for ultimate cruelty to Kaelin, my protag? If not, how can I make it more so? What stands in his way? How is he going to survive it, true love intact? Will he survive it? If not, why and what does it mean to my point in writing the story.

And so on. Questions upon questions circle around the plot and my character in an ever tightening noose. I know when I'm through I'll have something that's focused and tight.

Incidentally, the story is about half written. I got waylaid by another project and editing for this issue, but I anticipate putting it on the market by August.

Focus Your Photograph

Even some of the best stories we get at Electric Spec could be tighter, meaning they could have the same impact with fewer words, ideas, events, dialogue, settings, and/or characters. Tightening a story is a bit like working on the composition of a photograph or painting. The main subject of your photo is your protagonist, so we need the focus point of the picture to be the protagonist. There should be no doubt the subject of the photo is the protagonist, and it should have lots of detail and originality, making it a fitting subject. Sometimes your antagonist may be nearly as detailed as your protagonist, sharing the focus of the picture. Other times, a secondary character, like a romantic interest, will share the focus. The background should give you a good idea of the setting--what kind of atmosphere are you trying to create? Are you trying to invoke an image of a particular location? The background will be detailed if it is important, less so if it is not.

So, what about everything else in your photo/story? Well, first of all, you need to decide what else fits.  The more you throw in there, the bigger the photo (read word count) is, but that does not necessarily make it a better picture. The more you have in the picture, the harder it is to keep the focus where you want it. Even if you do need to include other elements, the more detail you give them, the more distracting they get. So, if something is necessary but not important, be sure it is bland enough to blend in with the entire composition.

Writing on Reading: The Time Traveler's Wife

Audrey Niffenegger's The Time Traveler's Wife can be found in two places on Amazon's virtual bookshelves: Women's Fiction and Science Fiction. Few books have such a claim to fame. However, the novel successfully straddles the line between two genes. A scientific concept--time travel based on flawed DNA--is central to the book. On the other hand, the novel is really about a romantic relationship--beginning, middle and end.

Despite its "women's fiction" label (a genre I usually don't enjoy), I must admit I loved this book. It was filled with incredibly poignant moments and realistic characters I grew to love. It suffered from a little bit of a sagging middle, but the rest of the book more than made up for that.  Apparently, the book has been made into a "major motion picture" which will be coming out in August. I encourage you to read it before you see the Hollywood version.

Outstanding spec fic stories

As you've no doubt deduced by now, we are hard at work on the next issue of Electric Spec and have contacted all the submitting authors. Thanks so much for submitting to Electric Spec! We really appreciate it. The hold-for-voting file was chock full of really good stories, which made our job especially difficult this time. So, if your story wasn't chosen, don't lose heart. Many excellent stories were rejected because of things such as issue balance, and genre vs. literary considerations. (We are a genre publication.)

Studying the hold-for-voting stories made me ponder the qualities that make a story stand out.
Obviously a good genre story has a good plot arc. This is often a problem that the protagonist tries to solve. In the course of the attempted solution the protagonist should grow or change in some way.
For me qualities of an outstanding story include:

• an original idea
  
• a strong unique voice
  
• a fully-fleshed out world

I think the meaning of an original idea is pretty clear. For example, the upcoming issue will include a story about a ghost-pet boarding business and the family that runs it.

Voice can be tricky to pin down. I've blogged about it before. Voice is a combination of a writer's use of syntax, diction, punctuation, character development, dialogue, etc. A strong voice may be hard to create but is easy to identify. For example, I would recognize writing by Isaac Asimov, Connie Willis or Kim Stanley Robinson anywhere. Wouldn't you? Do people recognize you in your writing?

I've heard it said that all fiction is a subset of speculative fiction in that all fiction creates a world on the pages between the covers. Speculative fiction is unique though in that the created world is NOT what we usually experience. Thus it's important to fully flesh out your world. Transport your readers to the land that exists only in your imagination!

Check out the next issue of Electric Spec on cyber-stands June 30, 2009!

And keep sending us your outstanding spec fic stories! :)

Submissions Update

We've gotten through all the submissions for the summer issue. That means that if you submitted a story earlier than midnight on May 15, you should have heard from us by now. If you have not, feel free to assume that our response got lost in cyberspace and submit it elsewhere.

Thanks again for all of the great submissions. We're getting 45 to 60 submissions per month, which means we considered around 200 stories for this issue. We ended up holding 25 for voting, and we accepted six. 

We're very excited for our next issue. It will have great stories, an exciting interview, and much more!