Spec Fic Tools IV: Speculative elements

A crucial tool in the spec fic author's toolbox is the speculative element. This can be future/alternative technology and/or science, magic, or any other supernatural element. It is imperative, however, that the speculative element(s) be fully integrated into the story. Without this, the story is not truly speculative fiction.

To illustrate my point, I examine Charles Stross' 2007 technology-laden novel, Halting State (HS). Stross has fully integrated future technology into his novel; for example, the novel's inciting incident is a crime that has been committed in virtual reality. Thus, the investigators must go into virtual reality to investigate and solve the cybercrime. In so investigating, the protagonists discover serious implications for cryptographic keys and the entire European computer network.

The references to computer jargon, cryptography, MMORPGs and virtual worlds are prevalent, e.g. Jack says during his job interview, "We were implementing a swarm-based algorithm for resolving combat between ad hoc groups with position input from their real-world locations--" (HS p66) And in his follow-up interview he says, "Zone games don't run on a central server, they run on distributed-processing nodes using a shared network file system. To stop people meddling with the contents, everything is locked using a cryptographic authorization system. ...It's based on the old DigiCash protocol, invented by a crytographer called David Chaum...." (HS p90) Near the conclusion, Jack realizes, "And there are much worse things a black hat troupe on a capture-the-flag rampage can do these days than just grabbing passwords and borking hospital networks. Lots of critical engineering systems rely on encrypted tunnels running over the Internet, lots of SCADA systems and worse..." (HS p288)

How does Stross integrate technology into his science fiction? He starts with the big picture. First and foremost, Stross claims "SF, at its best, is an exploration of the human condition under circumstances that we can conceive of existing, but which don't currently exist...", and real SF is "...a disruptive literature that focuses intently on revolutionary change..." (www.antipope.org)

Therefore Stross' method is to "...start by trying to draw a cognitive map of a culture, and then establish a handful of characters who are products of (and producers of) that culture. The culture in question differs from our own: there will be knowledge or techniques or tools that we don't have, and these have social effects and the social effects have second order effects...And then I have to work with characters who arise naturally from this culture and take this stuff for granted, and try and think myself inside their heads. Then I start looking for a source of conflict, and work out what cognitive or technological tools my protagonists will likely turn to to deal with it." (www.antipope.org)

Stross actually criticizes some media SF for handling technology poorly: "The scriptwriters and producers have thrown away the key tool that makes SF interesting and useful in the first place, by relegating 'tech' to a token afterthought rather than an integral part of plot and characterization." (www.antipope.org) So, he is careful to always make sure his tech is an integral part of the plot and characterization. Kudos, Mr. Stross.

Writing on Reading: The Ghosts of Belfast

This review may be a bit biased because Stewart Neville is not only an Electric Spec author but also an incredibly nice and generous guy. He was kind enough to help us with our website and downed quite a few beers with me and the other E-spec editors at MileHi Con.

So, of course, I got my signed, hardback copy and began reading soon after I got back from MileHicon.

Despite my affiliation with Stewart, I admit I was a bit skeptical when I started the The Ghosts of Belfast. After all, it probably isn't the kind of book I'd typically pick out at the book store. It is shelved in the "crime" section despite having speculative elements. And the premise is dark: the protagonist is haunted by ghosts who will not let him rest until he has avenged their deaths. So, lots of blood and bullets in this one.

Nonetheless, Ghosts really grew on me as I read along. Stewart made me care about his protagonist, despite his many flaws. The book is very tightly written, with good imagery, tension, and character building throughout. By the end, I couldn't wait to find out how the story would finally be resolved, and when I finished I wondered when the next one was coming out.

The sign of a good tale, if you ask me.

Just a note:

We've been reading submissions. It looks like we're caught up to the first of October. We try hard to keep about a month out on stories - or less, when we can. We're writers too, we know we like to get quick responses. But when we're putting together an issue we tend to lag. So sorry for any delay!

It's odd how styles seem to run in groups. I'd say by far and away my biggest reason for rejection in this set was because the stories didn't quite flow like a story should. Sometimes I had a hard time just figuring out what the story was about or labeling a protagonist and antagonist. We like clear protagonists with clear goals, obstacles, and conflict. It can be as simplistic or as heavily themed as you like, but give me somebody to root for and make me worry they won't achieve their goal.

Anyway, I'd like to get through more slush this week, but writing and life goals are coming upon me with brute force, so it might be awhile. Thanks to everyone who's submitting and keep them coming. Also, feel free to submit to the First Page Game. Heck, send me your NaNo first pages, even. It's just plain fun.

World Fantasy 2009 Awards

Things have been hectic around here at Electric Spec what with MileHiCon and finishing up another awesome new issue.

Check out the new ElectricSpec issue!

As many of you probably know, the World Fantasy convention was last weekend in San Jose, CA. Let's give a shout out to the World Fantasy Awards winners, in particular, best short story "26 Monkeys, Also the Abyss" by Kij Johnson (Asimov's 7/08), and best novella "If Angels Fight" by Richard Bowes (F&SF 2/08).

Congratulations to all the nominees!
More World Fantasy Award info here.

First Page Critique Game

Treaty Station

The fool was still following him. Kyle took a corner table, with his back to two walls, commanding a view of the whole bar.

The table was made of polished wood, but the perfectly even grain betrayed it was vat grown. It made little sense to ship trees from the surface of a planet to a space station.

Kyle swallowed some of his rum and coke, ice cold with just the right amount of bite going down. The barroom was built for tourists, but it had atmosphere all the same. The bar itself took up a little less than half the front wall. Next to it was the red door he had heard so much about, with ‘HUMANS: DO NOT ENTER’ in large black letters. Each of the walls to the left and right had one door leading out to the station at large, and one restroom. So far, the Mazoids had used the ladies room with no complaints from either species. There were several rows of tables at the rear of the room, and more in the unoccupied area to the side of the bar. The curvature of the floor underneath was hardly noticeable – an inch or so for the whole room.

Five minutes later a man sat down a couple of tables away and buried his head behind a newssheet.

My issue with this is that while you're creating an intriguing SF world, I'm wondering what happened to the fool following Kyle and why that's not foremost on his mind. He's thinking about a vat-grown wooden table, whether his drink has enough rum, and the practically unnoticeable curvature of the floor. I don't buy it. So I feel we've got a little bit of POV slippage here. Either that, or Kyle doesn't care that he's being followed, he knows he can handle it - which might be indicated by the word "fool". But then, if he doesn't care, why should I? That device can kill the impact of the hook. It also feels a bit like bait-and-switch to throw a hook in the front line and then launch into description that really doesn't give us much important information but that he's on a space station.

So the discrepancy bothers me. A more interesting treatment, should all this information prove necessary, might be to have him concerned over his tail while creating an obstacle out of the description. Maybe he's got a talkative bartender or tourists discussing the decor and he's thinking "Shut up, where's that damned tail, fuck, he could sneak up on me at any moment in this crowd." Or even add in how he feels about that. Maybe the crowd is good cover for his escape or dang it, there's kids in there and he can't let them get hurt. Or even, No matter, they're just aliens. Expendable. Maybe if bullets are flying (or lasers or what-have-you) he can worry over what that will do to the space station walls, or thank the gods he's in a lawless place because if he's found in a fight while on parole back on Santon 5, he'd be screwed...

Obviously the possibilities are endless.

In this way you can make scenes work for you in multiple ways, thereby saving valuable real estate: give information about the setting (description), demonstrate the story problem (initiating incident), how your character reacts to the incident (POV and voice), offer obstacles (heighten tension) and then show his reaction to the obstacles, too (forward the plot, characterization).

So my feeling is that your scene can definitely do more work for you.

Thanks for playing! The queue is empty, so if you want me to do another page, my time is freed up now that the issue is out. You can send it after you go read the new issue! :)

New Issue Posted!

A fabulous new issue of Electric Spec has been posted! Check out 6 excellent new stories, an unusual author interview, 2 intriguing columns and a breathtaking piece of artwork. Enjoy!

Thank you to all the folks that worked behind the scenes including authors, columnists, technical folks and everyone else. You did a great job! We appreciate it!

And thank you to all the authors who submitted, even if we didn't get a chance to publish you this time.

New Issue Tomorrow

Our new issue coming out tomorrow is one of our best ever. Lesley and Bets already talked about some of the highlights, but I thought I'd chime in with a few more. The story "Bright Wings in the Ebony Hall" will bring you a fantasy with a mythic quality and a really cool setting reminiscent of the Middle East. "Copies" is a near-future sf story that presents some fascinating--and heart rending--questions about cloning had what it means to be human. And, in the spirit of Halloween, our movie critic looks at one of the scariest movies around, along with providing some other movie suggestions for those of you searching for a good scare.

Happy reading! And be sure to tune in to Electric Spec tomorrow.

Two Days and Counting...

There are times count myself among the fortunate editors on the planet, and this issue is one of them. We're featuring Nebula Award-winning Nina Kiriki Hoffman in this issue. You'll know from the start that you're in the hands of a master storyteller. And how could I, in particular, have turned down the darkest story of the issue, in which a father faces his greatest challenge as a cop?

I'm also feverishly polishing up an article entitled "The New Writing Age". My feeling is that never before have writers had more opportunity. I'll lay out why and touch on changes the industry (and writers) can adopt to make the most of the Technology Age.

Speaking of, we did make a technical change this issue. We're going to offer this issue in online format only. Our PDF and PRC downloads are pretty low among our entire readership, and those formats are by far the most time-consuming part of putting an issue together. I know I can read the issue online easily on my BlackBerry. But I'm also soliciting feedback. So if you prefer the other formats, please write us and let us know!

New Issue Coming!

Hi gang,
We have an excellent new issue of Electric Spec coming on October 31! We are very excited about it. In particular, I worked on two humorous stories that I think you will enjoy: "A Girl and her Tentacle Monster" explores the drawbacks and unexpected perks of being a hyperspace pilot and "Civil Complaint" will make you see pepper (and other things) in a whole new light.

This time for our Author Interview we are doing something different, namely, interviewing our six contributing authors: Dale Carothers, Erica L. Satifka, Naomi Libicki, Nina Kiriki Hoffman, and Ferrett Steinmetz. Come read what they have to say about writing short fiction, what writing has taught them, and other topics.

Stay tuned for more tantalizing tidbits tomorrow...

Writing and Acting

Earlier this year, I published a couple of posts comparing the craft of writing to the craft of acting. I recently discovered I'm not the only person who sees the connection. Author Alexandra Sokoloff has an excellent blog on the craft of writing--one of the best I've seen. Among her excellent advice about creating a protagonist, she states:

But I do think there are things that are teachable about creating character. My best general advice is always – take an acting class. Take a lot of them. Read books on acting and creating character – Michael Shurtleff’s excellent AUDITION, which is about so much more than auditioning, Stanislavski’s acting series, Michael Chekov. Learn how to develop and play characters yourself, even on a basic level, and it will translate to writing.

She has similar advice regarding antagonists.

I think this is good advice. While you don't have to have a theatre background to be a good writer, I think it can help. If you know how to get into a character's head on stage, then it will be easier to do on the page.

Mile Hi Con

Lesley, Bets, and I are all at Mile Hi Con. It's great seeing so many genre writers, artists and fans and talking about what we love most. If any of you blog readers happen to be there, please come up and say "hi." I'll be wearing my Electric Spec tee.

Writing on Reading---an update

I have not gotten to posting reviews of the books I've been reading lately, and so I thought I do a more general post on a few books. Awhile back I read The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michal Chabon. Unlike The Yiddish Policeman's Union, which I couldn't get in to, I really liked AAKC. It is not genre fiction, but it has at least 1 element that seems a bit on the magical size. The real pull of the novel is the characters, who are deep, interesting, and empathetic. The Golden Age of Comics angle and New York City in the 30s through 50s adds to a rich setting. In short, I recommend it for non-gene reading.

Speaking of non-genre, I'm currently reading Ken Follett's The Pillars of the Earth. Follett is known for his thrillers, but Pillars is a departure for him--and it has become this most popular book, even making to Oprah's book club. According to the intro, the book rose out of Follett's interest in English cathedrals and how they were build. The result is a novel that would probably be billed as historical fiction, but which reads like a fantasy. No magic in this one, but 1000 pages of interesting characters, cool settings, and even a bloody battle or two. My guess is that "Oprah" readers may not like this one too much (my wife being one example), but fantasy readers would get a kick out of it.

I also read a portion of a fantasy that I picked up at the bookstore. It shall remain unnamed because I have nothing good to say about it. It is discouraging that genre books like this continue to appear on the scene. The book is filled with "beginning writer" mistakes, trope plot lines, tired characters, and pacing that could really use a shot of adrenaline. It is sad that books like this get published while better books languish on agents' desks.

Spec Fic Tools III: Humor

The Electric Spec editors are feverishly at work putting together the new Oct 13, 2009 issue. It looks excellent. This time around, I'm lucky enough to edit two humorous stories which makes me think...

One tool in the spec fic author's toolbox can be humor. Terry Pratchett has mastered humorous writing. Let's examine how he does it by looking at one of his books, Monstrous Regiment (MR), as an example.

Humor is based on the unexpected. As it says in How to Write Funny (HtWF) "…people laugh at two things: surprise and misfortune. We laugh in surprise at the union of two things that don't fit together…"(HtWF p36) Pratchett clearly realized this when he concluded the Borogravian National Anthem with "The new day is a great big fish!" (MR p11)

General comic elements include repetition, switches, exaggeration, extremes, indecision, convention suspension and wordplay. Pratchett makes use of many of these elements. For example, "A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what the size of the onion, the dish, or the woman." (MR p132) is an example of convention suspension.

Let's focus further on literary humor. Award-winning speculative fiction author Connie Willis says the two most important techniques of humorous writing are exaggeration and understatement. (HtWF pp61-63) Pratchett makes excellent use of these tools. Specifically,
"The pigeon thought: 000000000. But had it been more capable of coherent thought, and knew something about how birds of prey catch pigeons,*And allowing for the fact that all pigeons who know how birds of prey catch pigeons are dead, and therefore capable of slightly less thought than a living pigeon." (MR pp115-116) is a wonderful example of understatement.

In fact, Pratchett is master at understatement: "'…we appear to have zombies in the lower crypts. Dreadful things…' 'Really? What are they doing now?' Clarence raised his eyebrows. 'Lurching, sir, I think. Groaning. Zombie things. Something seems to have stirred them up.' " (MR p13)

Pratchett often combines exaggeration and understatement together as with The Book of Nuggan:

"It's what they call a Living Testament…"

"This is a holy book with an appendix?"

"Exactly, sir."

"In a ring binder?"

"Quite so, sir. People put blank pages in and the Abominations …turn up." (MR pp15-16)

These abominations include: chocolate, garlic, cats, dwarfs, the color blue, oysters, babies, barking dogs, shirts with six buttons, and cheese.And a little later, Pratchett writes:"'Nuggan, sir…um…is rather…tetchy,' he managed. 'Tetchy?' said Vimes. 'A tetchy god? What, he complains about the noise their kids make? Objects to loud music after nine P.M.?' (MR p16)

According to David Bouchier "A Funny Character is a Caricature.
Funny characters are unusual, strange, odd, perhaps obnoxious and always extreme." (HtWF p23) Montrous Regiment is chock full of humorous characters, from plucky Polly Perk, determined to find her brother, to gruff macho Sergeant Jackrum to their effeminate fear-ful leader Lieutenant Blouse.

In fact, literary humor begins with an author's voice as Jennifer Crusie writes, "Humor in fiction is based in voice, which is why humor is so different from writer to writer and why a strong voice is essential in writing comic fiction." (HtWF p46). Pratchett definitely has a unique and humorous voice. For example, Pratchett writes, "Forget you were ever Polly. Think young male, that was the thing. Fart loudly and with self-satisfaction at a job well done, walk like a puppet that'd had a couple of random strings cut, never hug anyone, and, if you meet a friend, punch them." (MR p3)

Prattchet also utilizes exaggerated or unlikely comparisons in metaphors and similes, e.g. "…but Igor had to be a boy, with those stitches around the head, and that face that could only be called homely. …And even then it was the kind of home that has a burned-out vehicle on the lawn." (MR p138)

Humor in speculative fiction obeys these same rules and has a few extra tools at its disposal. In "Take My Wizard...Please!" Esther M. Friesner advises humorous speculative fiction authors to "Upset the Reader's Expectations". She claims speculative fiction includes "…easily recognizable types…the wizard, the witch, the dragon… When the reader encounters one of these types, certain expectations click into place…The writer of funny Spec Fic often operates by taking these reader expectations and setting them on ear."(HtWF p76) Pratchett makes good use of this idea, namely, the so-called soldiers in Blouse's regiment do not behave as typical soldiers (with good reason).

In conclusion, in Monstrous Regiment, Terry Pratchett has created a humorous, imaginative and unconventional world by utilizing a variety of comedic tools. Kudos, Terry.

References:

Pratchett, Terry, Monstrous Regiment, HarperCollins Publishers, 2003.

Kachuba, John B., Ed., How to Write Funny, Writer's Digest Books, 2001.

Spec Fic Tools II: Voice

As we prepare the next issue of Electric Spec, I can't help thinking a unique voice can make the difference between a good spec fic story and an excellent one. Let's look at an example...

In Magic for Beginners (MfB) Kelly Link shows off her charming narrative voice. Voice can be a tricky concept to nail down but is an author's unique writing style and is created via such tools as diction (style of expression and vocabulary), syntax (sentence construction), and punctuation. The stories in MfB differ significantly in plot and character but the reader easily recognizes Link's consistent voice in how the stories are expressed.

Link's voice is personal and intimate; it's as if the author is sitting next to you on the couch, leaning forward telling you, and you alone, a story. She doesn't explain; she assumes you, her friend, know exactly what she's talking about. She doesn't introduce characters such as Henry, Catherine, Carleton, and Tilly in “Stone Animals”; it's as if she's resuming an earlier conversation with the reader about them. For example, in “Stone Animals” the son, Carleton, is introduced via, "Carleton was running up and down the staircase, slapping his heels down hard, keeping his head down and his hands folded around the banister." (p71) In “Catskin”, the witch is introduces via "Cats went in and out of the witch's house all day long." (p125) The protagonist of “Some Zombie Contingency Plans” is introduced via "This guy Sap is at a party out in the suburbs." (p159)

Link writes of the fantastic and the surreal in a matter-of-fact manner. For example, in “The Faery Handbag”, "The faery handbag: It's huge and black and kind of hairy. ...Fairies live inside it. I know what that sounds like, but it's true." (pp 2-3) We also see this in “The Hortlak”, "The zombies came in, and he was polite to them, and failed to understand what they wanted, and sometimes real people came in and bought candy or cigarettes or beer." (p 28) In “Stone Animals” Link writes, "He sits on his rabbit, legs pressed against the warm, silky, shining flanks .... He has something in his other hand ...a spear. All around him, the others are sitting on their rabbits, waiting patiently, quietly." (p121

In places Link's voice approaches stream-of-consciousness. For example, in “The Faery Handbag”: "It's kind of like if you went through the wardrobe in the Narnia books, only instead of finding Aslan and the White Witch and horrible Eustace, you found this magic clothing world--instead of talking animals, there were feather boas and wedding dresses and bowling shoes, and paisley shirts and Doc Martens and everything hung up on racks so that first you have black dresses, all together, like the world's largest indoor funeral, and then blue dresses--all the blues you can imagine--and then red dresses and so on." (p1) This stream-of-consciousness is very informal; it's as if the reader has a line directly into the author's mind. And when that author is Link that's a real treat.

info on new issue and MileHiCon

Hi gang,
By now, all the authors in hold-for-voting should have been contacted with either a "yeah" or "nay". Again, thanks, all, for submitting. The stories we've selected are excellent! We can't wait for you to read them. We are busy processing the stories, and we have lined up some neat cover art. We are doing something different this time for the Author Interview: we're interviewing the contributing authors for this issue. It should be fun!
Check out the new issue of Electric Spec on October 31, 2009! :)

In other news, all the Electric Spec editors will be appearing on panels at Mile Hi Con October 23-25 in Denver. Some tentative panels include:

• Editor Lesley on "The Science of Science Fiction", "The Future of Energy: Star Trek or Stone Age?", "Hollywood vs. Science".
  
• Editor Betsy on "Must Action/Adventure = Dumb/Mindless" and "Stories, Art Direction & Web Design for Online Magazines"
  
• Editor Dave on "Scams Aimed at Writers" and "Plot Devices or McGuffins"

Additionally, at least one Electric Spec author will also be featured: Stuart Neville, who's first novel just came out in the U.S. The Ghosts of Belfast.
Go, Stuart!

Come check out Mile Hi Con if you're in the area!

First page Critique Game #11

While you're waiting on results for our next issue (and it's awesome, if I might say) I thought I'd throw out a new First Page Entry for your perusal.



Dr. Roy Motts eyed Mandy’s lifeless body lying on the steel slab. Lacerations decorated her face, and the fatal sever to the carotid artery launched his stomach into an audible churn.

He rested his hands on his Twinkie-padded belly. “I’m so glad Hal wasn’t in the car with you,” he mumbled under his breath and looked downward.

“Me too,” a voice said with a whisper.

Startled, Roy looked up and saw Mandy sitting, staring at him. Her dark-rooted blond hair flowed over her shoulders and her green eyes sparkled.

“Whoa.” Roy stumbled back. He squinted at the body still lying on the slab then to the apparition of Mandy sitting next to it.

She smiled.

“What’s happening?” He tugged his shirt collar. It suddenly felt like a choker pulled three notches too tight.

“Okay, here’s the scoop. I’m a Keeper.” She hopped down from her perch. “Or I was a Keeper. I’ve only been dead a few hours, so I’m not used to the past tense talk yet.”

Roy’s mouth fell agape.

“There is something you need to see.” Mandy reached out and grabbed his arm.

As if plummeting down on a rollercoaster, Roy’s stomach dropped. The floor beneath him fell away, then with an abrupt jerk, returned to support him.

Once the sickening motion ended, Roy opened his eyes. His neck muscles knotted.

They were at the accident scene.

“How’d we get here? How am I seeing you?”


Kudos on this one for throwing a problem up front, or at least throwing your main character for a loop. We've got a dead Keeper chick who's dragging someone back to the scene of her accident. This alludes to "mystery." But I think this first page real estate could be put to still better use. What is Roy to Mandy and vice versa? At first glance I thought he was the M.E. but then the mention of Hal threw me. Who is Hal? Really, who are all these people and how are they connected? I don't get a feeling of sadness from Roy, if he is sad (maybe he isn't). Also, Mandy seems awfully chipper for being dead. Not a dealbreaker; it just struck me. I think it'll take some explanation at some point.

No real comments on the writing at all. It seems fine. I rather like "Twinkie-padded belly." As an aside, I wonder if this is meant to date the story. I know they still sell Twinkies, but does anyone still eat them? I did, as a kid, lo these 30 years ago. :)

So really, just a few more specifics to ground me, and I think I'd be hooked to read more.

Editors are subjective...

I've been getting my fair share of writerly rejections lately so as the editorial staff heads into the production meeting for the next issue of Electric Spec I am feeling a lot of sympathy for our potential authors. The editors of Electric Spec do strive to be fair and objective when choosing stories for the issues. However, there are subjective elements as well as aspects such as issue balance and the like. All the stories in our current batch of hold-for-voting are very good. So, I guess my take-home message is even if we don't ultimately pick your story: Kudos, hold-for-voting authors! Good job!

Stay tuned for more info about the new issue.

How does fantasy enter?

While First-Page guru Betsy is away at Author Fest, I submit the following for your consideration...
How does the fantastic enter a fantasy?

In Rhetorics of Fantasy (RoF) Farah Mendlesohn outlines a classification system which is about "the way in which a text becomes fantasy, or alternatively, the way the fantastic enters the text and the reader's relationship to this." (RoF p xiv).

Here, I consider four different types of fantasies: the portal-quest, the immersive, the intrusive and the liminal. These differ in how the reader perceives the fantastic elements. Mendlesohn says "In the portal-quest we are invited through into the fantastic" while "...in the immersive fantasy we are allowed no escape." (RoF p xiv). Mendlesohn furthermore says, in intrusion fantasies, "Fantasy and 'reality' are often kept strictly demarcated…" (RoF p xxii) while in liminal fantasies, "…the fantastic leaks back through the portal." (RoF p xxiii)

Many fantasies also have some formulaic elements; let's look at each of the four types of fantasy in turn.
In both portal and quest fantasies the fantasy world is an unknown place, i.e. the reader is a stranger to the world, namely,
"a character leaves her familiar surroundings and passes through a portal into an unknown place." (RoF p1)
Portal-Quest fantasies furthermore are structured around "...reward and the straight and narrow path." (RoF p5)
In fact, "...it is the unquestionable purity of the tale that holds together the shape of the portal-quest narrative." (RoF p7) One could say "...the insistence of the fixedness of history and of learning, divides quest fantasy from immersive fantasy." (RoF p16)

The role of the reader is quite different in immersive fantasies, namely, they invite "...us to share not merely a world, but a set of assumptions." (RoF p xx)
The reader does "not enter into the immersive fantasy, we are assumed to be of it..." (RoF p xx) In other words, the reader and "...the point of view characters of an immersive fantasy must take for granted the fantastic elements with which they are surrounded..." (RoF p xxi) and the fantasy world must "...function on all levels as a complete world." (RoF p59)
A unique quality of immersive fantasies is often “the creation of a vocabulary that claims meaning but reveals itself, if at all, only through context, which builds the sense of story and world behind what we actually see." (RoF p83) Science fiction could be labeled immersive fantasy in this classification system.

According to Mendlesohn, intrusion fantasies are quite formulaic, and in fact, "Among the intrusion fantasies, the regularity of the formula is almost overwhelming." (RoF p153) "The entire trajectory of the intrusion fantasy; the sense of threat, of waiting, and of repulsion of the horror. [is]…an episodic structure in which the whole is made up of many identical parts." (RoF p130) It should be noted that "…much of modern horror fits in the very center of the intrusion fantasy subset…" (RoF p142)
Something that is relatively unique to intrusion fantasies is " …the protagonist and the reader are never expected to become accustomed to the fantastic." (RoF p xxii) This means "…intrusion fantasy…relies heavily on the escalation of effect. Intrusions begin small and often quite distant. They increase in magnitude, in scope, or in the number of victims." (RoF p116)
Another quintessential quality of the intrusion fantasy, according to Mendlesohn is "… each is 'concluded'." (RoF p116) Moreover, "However mysterious the ending, there is the sense that there can be no next. We are left suspended on the edge of the void. Any next would be an anticlimax." (RoF p117)

Mendlesohn says, "Liminal fantasy is rare." (RoF p xxiii) Other possible terms for liminal fantasy are "hesitation or uncertainty…" fantasy. (RoF p xxiii) Instead of liminal fantasy, Mendlesohn considered the term "…'possible fantasy,' … Liminal fantasy creates possible readings." (RoF p 183) Whatever you call it, in such fantasies, a "…seemingly ordinary story feels like fantasy. We somehow know that it is the fantastic." (RoF p xxiii) She says further, "Liminal fantasy … was that form of fantasy which estranges the reader from the fantastic as seen and described by the protagonist …" (RoF p182)
This concept can be a bit difficult to understand. Mendlesohn states, "The anxiety and the continued maintenance and irresolution of the fantastic becomes the locus of the 'fantasy'. The liminal moment that maintains the anxiety around this material temptation assists the creation of the tone and mode that we associate with the fantastic: its presence is represented as unnerving, and it is this sense of the unnerving that is at the heart of the category I have termed liminal." (RoF p xxiii)
Mendlesohn concludes "…liminal fantasy, of all the forms of the fantastic, may be that which most requires that its readers be steeped in the conventions of fantasy, may indeed prove to be the purest form of the fantastic…."(RoF p245)

Phew! Complicated stuff! So, what's your fantasy? Portal? Quest? Immersive? Intrusive? Liminal? Whatever it is, feel free to send it along to ElectricSpec. :)

Writing on Reading: Spin

Here I continue our occasional literary analysis in hopes of learning something about spec fic writing...
Spin, by Robert Charles Wilson (2005), won the 2006 Hugo Award for Best Novel with good reason. Spin utilizes literary devices very well. Among other things, it has two narrative timelines, 4 x 10^9 A.D. and the near future. The near future narrative is told as a series of flashbacks because "Graphomania was one of the several sides effects of the drug." (Spin p48) The narrator undergoes a mysterious medical procedure in which he "... found myself wanting to write again, the urge coming on like an echo of the fever." (Spin p51).

Interestingly, much of Spin is familiar in that there are several similarities with the plot of Spin and the plot of F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby. Spin is told in first person from the viewpoint of Tyler Dupree. Tyler grows up poor with his widowed mother in the Little House “in awe of” (Spin p6) the inhabitants of "the Big House, we called it" (Spin p5) across the lawn, the wealthy Lawtons: twins Jason and Diane, mother Carol and father E.D. While Tyler is the point of view character in the novel, Jason is the real 'mover and shaker' of the story. Obviously, this is similar to Fitzgerald's setup with Nick Carraway, the narrator, living across the yard from rich 'mover and shaker' Jay Gatsby.

Another similarity between Spin and Gatsby is the hedonism in both novels. In the case of Spin, humanity believes itself about to be extinguished, and reacts by doing drugs, alcohol, violence and creating a whole Christian Hedonist spectrum in which "...the robes began to drop and the dancing started. And a few acts more intimate then dancing." (Spin p72) "...just a few hundred pilgrims smiling into the teeth of extinction and loving their neighbors like they'd like to be loved." (Spin p72). In Gatsby, Fitzgerald writes of the moral emptiness and hedonism of the 1920s illicit speakeasy culture.

Moreover, in Gatsby, Nick thinks Gatsby's power to transform his dreams into reality makes him great, and in Spin, Tyler thinks Jason's power to transform his dreams into reality makes him great. Jason terraforms Mars using a variety of “...ebony eggs. ...scatter these into the Martian atmosphere.” (Spin p118) “...inoculating the planet with life” (Spin p119) and creates a human colony: “...we send people. ...if all this worked...they would have to teach themselves subsistence skills in an environment only approximately fit for human habitation.” (Spin pp145-146).

Unfortunately, the greatness of Gatsby and Jason do not last. In Spin, on Mars, “the Fourth Age was ...a longevity treatment and a social institution. But it's evolved since then.... There isn't just a four, there's a 4.1, 4.2...” (Spin p401) Jason goes too far and volunteers to be “a biological receiver” of “...the replicators' hidden second subchannel for communicating among themselves and with their point of origin.” (Spin p408) and his final upgrade leads to his death. In the end of Gatsby, Gatsby's dream is corrupted by money and dishonesty and he is murdered. Furthermore, the novels endings have some similarity: Nick moves back to the Midwest, escaping the East's moral bankruptcy, and Tyler escapes the Earth, going to a new planet where “History doesn't start until we land.” (Spin p452)

Obviously, there is also much of the Spin plot that is not similiar to Fitzgerald's work. For example, in Spin the characters initially believe “the stars had actually 'gone out'--that is they had been extinguished like candles in a wind.” (Spin p12) But they discover “the stars had been 'eclipsed'... by something big. Something fast.” (Spin p16) and they have “an imposter sun, a clever fabrication.” (Spin p17) But I'll leave it to the reader to decipher just what exactly is going on. :)

What parallels can you draw between one or more spec fic novels and other novels?
It's fun to ponder. :)

Since I'm Behind on my Slush

Slush I Read
by Jim C. Hines

(Apologies to Seuss)

I read slush.
Slush I read.

That slush I read.
That slush I read!
I do not like that slush I read.

Do you like fanfic with vamps?

I do not like them Mary Sue.
Why do these vamps all worship you?

Here’s a tale from D & D!

I do not want your D & D.
I do not like your elf PC.
I can not stand your purple prose.
I want to punch you in the nose!

Would you like a hot sex scene?
I wrote it for my online ‘zine!

I do not like your pervy tale.
Your metaphors make readers pale.
Your paragraphs are pages long.
Your bad sex scene is oh so wrong!
Can people do that with their lips???
I do not like your manuscripts.

This one is in Comic Sans!
My parents are my biggest fans.

That evil font we do not want!
My aching eyes, my weary sighs.
Why can’t you get the format right?
We post our guidelines in plain sight!
I will not read your 8-point type.
I want to bash you with a pipe!

Would you read this in the loo?
Let me slide it right to you!

I would not, could not, while I poo!

You just hate me ’cause I’m new!
I’m too original for you!

Too original you say?
This book is one absurd cliché!
It should not see the light of day.

I do not like your Mary Sues.
I do not like your crackhead muse.
Eve and Adam, Star Trek slash,
Tolkien ripoffs, pointless trash,
Prologues forty pages long,
Spelling every third word wrong.
I do not want to read this slush.
It’s all too much, my brain is mush!

Just one more story for today.
Soon I’ll clear this slush away.
No more vampires, I pray.

Wait–
This cover letter’s brief.
The format’s clean. What a relief!

Say!
This story from the slush.
This story gives me such a rush.
These pages have a brilliant hook.
I want to read it in a book!
The wordcraft makes me start to swoon.
Is that the end? It came too soon!
I read it one time, two times, three!
It is so good, so good you see!

So I will read the slush again.
And wade through drafts by Twilight fen.
And I will read the pointless plots,
And tales of busty blonde sexbots.
And I will read your pissed off mail.
And I will read it without fail.
Yes I will read slush by the bale
So I can find that next great tale.

An even briefer post...

Many of you may have seen this already, but I just found it and it is absolutely hilarious. From io9.com: Physicists Prove That Vampires Could Not Exist. I'm so relieved the definitive study is in! I was really confused. :)

Maybe I just find it so funny because I'm a vamp--, er, physicist. :) (Read the comments, too.)

Some comments from the slush pile...

I interrupt the First Page Game for a very brief post...
We are now hard at work at Electric Spec on our upcoming Oct 31 issue! First, a "Thank You" to all the authors that have been submitting to us--without you, Electric Spec wouldn't exist. Second, after reading through slush, I have some advice...

As usual, I will try to convey it via a positive spin:

• Do give us an original plot. For example, evil murderers that get their just desserts or evil murderers that murder lots of people are a tough sell. If the muse is sending you murderers (!) give them an original twist.
  

• Do show us just what we need to understand your world. Please avoid info-dumping. This means your characters should rarely (never?) talk about things they all know. For example,
  "Gosh, those evil Baby-Eating Worms from planet Gooey have sure been eating a lot of babies, lately."
  
  "You're right, Stewie. And they especially like smart-ass male babies."
  
  "I know." or similar probably wouldn't sell. But, "Help! A worm is chomping on my foot!" or similar would be more effective.
  

• Do show us your story. Do include some dialog! Rarely (never?) do we buy a story with no dialog.
  

That's it for now. I'll post some more if I come across them.

first page critique game # 10

Sorry so long! It's been a big week catching up on sleep and various other projects after conference. A word: we're running a bit low on first pages, so feel free to tell your friends to submit. If they dare. Bwahahahaha! Okay, kidding. I aim for constructive, but I do admit I'm less forgiving on these than I am on my critiques for writing buddies. This is me, trying to show you how I think as an editor. And really, I don't know what you're aiming for besides what you show me here. Anyway, here goes...

Suicide Extinct
Sardonyx Nash struggled as her fellow vampire looped handcuffs around her wrists and attached them to the liquid fuel line. “Handcuffs?”

“Not just any handcuffs.” Vin Driscol, transfixed his black eyes on hers. “A mage on Venus created them. Silver with a Jade core. No creature – Not vampires, werewolf, or wraiths from Jupiter -- can break through them. The key is on that ledge. Get the crew to release you once I’m gone.”

“Release a vampire stowaway?”

“I told you not to follow me onto this spaceship, Nyx.”

Sardonyx yanked on the shackles, metal clanking. “Don’t do this.”

“Careful. This pipe here?” Vin tapped his long white finger on the pipe labeled liquid fuel. “The fuel line. If you rupture it, the SS Pantara Eve will burst into a supernova.”

Sardonyx slumped against the wall. “Vin Driscol, if you jump you’ll be hanging in space for immortal eternity.”

Vin looked over at the cargo doors. “That’s the plan, Nyx.”

“Deep space will be your eternal floating prison.”

“And being vampires, living forever, that is not a prison?” Vin pushed his arms into his leather, then tapped a code into the wall console. The inner doors jerked into slow separation.

I don't have a lot to say about this other than it's a bit sloppy with the punctuation. I marked issues with bold red font. The vast majority of our subs are clean grammatically and with punctuation. It's not a deal-breaker, but it is a strike. Cleaning up a piece with a lot of grammatical and punctuation errors is kind of like picking up my kid's room. He's more than capable of doing it himself; he just doesn't want to. It smacks of laziness. Grammar and punctuation are the most basic of your tools. Don't let ignorance or laziness hold you back .

One highlighted bit requires explanation: the name of the ship. Don't format for your editors. If you want something bold or italic, note it with underscoring And not _xx_ either. That's annoying because we have to go in and remove those extra spaces by hand.

Story-wise, I think this is a fine start except for two points. 1. I'm wondering why Nyx cares. What's it to her that the other vampire is imprisoning himself in space? 2. I'm also wondering who's head I'm in. I write with very little internal narrative myself, but give us a physical reaction, the cuffs are cold or too tight or a flutter of horror, something to let us know who's side we're on in this.

Really easy fixes, though, and the premise is different enough to catch my eye. I'd keep reading.

Electric Spec at Colorado Gold

Bets and I will be presenting the workshop "Focus on Short Stories" at the Rocky Mountain Fiction Writer's Colorado Gold Conference on Saturday afternoon. We'd love to meet up with any of our blog readers that will be there! I'm sure we'll also have gets some tips and ideas for future posts at this event.

On an unrelated subject, if you get the chance to see "District 9" check it out! One of the best sci-fi movies I've seen in a very long time.

first page game #9

Cobra Cutlass

A cerulean moon spotlighted the center courtyard pedestal displaying a kneeling man, arms separated and tied to the two posts above him. Gazing at the man’s wrists dripping with blood, and bits of scalp hanging from his head, Khoran felt nothing but aggravation.

“I thought the sorceress would castrate you for the prisoner’s silence.” The voice whispered from the white scorpion, Khoran’s demon, his constant companion.

“Her poison burning through my veins was not terrifying enough for you?” He massaged his inner arm, where the Sorceress Evixen Mosk had inserted her poison punishment. Punishment for to Khoran’s failure to convince the king to talk.

Khoran grasped the balcony rails for support and glowered at the pedestal. “I’ll find your son and extinguish his life, Henry -- King of Abana. Though you have hidden him. He will die before his next birthday.”

Khoran looked out over the towers of the City of Abana standing arrogantly quiet at the base of the Gajijen mountains. The prophecy told that on the scion’s 24^th birthday, the king’s son would gain powers beyond comprehension. Powers greater than the Sorceress Evixen Mosk.

The incubus white scorpion twisted on her perch, tendrils twitching. “Evixen approaches!”

This is a relatively exciting hook with a problem up front. They've got some guy (the king? Not clear) tied to a post for questioning and torture. So far so good. I like the creepy scorpion—more on it in a moment. Khoran seems maybe anti-heroish, or even evil. I like me some evil protags. And Khoran has a clear problem, even if we're not yet sure what it means to him and the situation. That's okay. Also, some traditional-seeming fantasy, which we're not seeing a ton of. So far so good.

But I've got some deal-breaker issues, too.

I'm not crazy about the present participle phrase starting with Gazing. I don't like 'em in general, though I've used them. It's not wrong, but I've just been introduced to these people and I'm still trying to get my bearings. Who am I following here, the kneeling man or who-ever's gazing at him? I have to get through 38 words to find our POV, Khoran. It might seem minor, but really none of it made any sense to me upon first reading until I found the name Khoran. So while the phrasing is technically okay, I don't think this structure is best utilized in the first graph. I'd suggest moving Khoran up a few notches, even to the first sentences. Cerulean moons are cool, tortured guys are cool, but I want to link up with my guide as quickly as possible.

There's a couple of unnecessary fragments. Punishment for to Khoran’s failure to convince the king to talk. Contrary to popular belief, this tired device does little for emphasis. This info can be easily integrated into the previous sentence without the eye having to pause over a word echo. And it appears again, a couple of graphs later. Powers greater than the Sorceress Evixen Mosk. I hate this kind of trick enough I'd probably reject it based on that. Yes, it's that much of a pet peeve.

Let me clarify. I, and I'm not alone in this, like clear, concise writing. Good writing does not call attention to itself with a lot of tricks and devises. You've got enough cool stuff going on here without mucking it up with word echoes and unnecessary phrases and fragments. Seeing these tired devices makes me wonder if the writing will be up to par throughout. And yes, I realize I just started a sentence with an "ing" word, but in that case it's a gerund phrase that serves as the subject. I did it on purpose so I could discuss the difference. Smooth, huh?

I think there's some over-explaining that can be cut. Phrases like: the Sorceress Evixen Mosk (her sorcery could be easily shown) and his constant companion. And while we're on the scorpion thing, she gets a ton of description and names. She's a white scorpion, a demon, a constant companion, an incubus white scorpion…it's almost like the writer couldn't make up his mind. What I don’t know are some basics, like how big she is or if other people can see her.

My suggestion to this writer is to clean up the writing and let your promising story elements shine.

Submission Deadline: September 15

Just a quick note to say we're approaching the submission deadline for our October 2009 issue. Please get your stories in by September 15, midnight (U.S.) M.D.T.
After that, your story will be considered for our first 2010 issue.
Thanks!

First Page Game #8

The Stars Below

‘..........happy birthday to you. Go on, Lucianne, blow the candles out.’
The room had been a sea of children’s faces, flickeringly lit by reflected light from the ten candles sputtering on the pink candy cake, when the phone had rung, drawing him away from the celebrations.

‘Cameron? We need you out on the New Kingston Exploration platform. There’s a helicopter waiting in Aberdeen and a car will be with you in fifteen minutes’

That had been it.

A manic drive through dark roads and dimly lit watery suburbs to the airport where a sleek, private helicopter was already warmed up. Someone thrust a package of paperwork onto him as he suited up – ‘This’ll help explain the rush’ – and then it was in and away into the black night.

New Kingston was operating way beyond established platforms in the North Sea. Initial deep seismic investigation had looked promising but the reports and printouts for the current test bore were crazy – huge pressure differentials within the bore column, magnetic anomalies, distorted and fractured heads, power outages, equipment failures – what was going on?

Suddenly his stomach fell away. The turbine roar was replaced by silence, by a cacophony of alarms, by, a matter of fact - ‘Brace –we’re going in’ – and then it was like hitting a wall.


The writing is good and carries me along nicely, but I'm afraid I have little idea what's going on. And if I don't know what's going on, it makes it tough for me to care. Obscurity starts with the line "That had been it." Yes, the elusive, secretive "it" has reared its (no pun intended) ugly head again. I think we've been pretty clear that we're not crazy about this device. I'd rather see a story problem right there in that line, something to explain what "it" is. "They'd discovered the aliens." "The sea floor had gulped down several hundred oil-rig workers like they were minnows." See how even those bad examples are more interesting than "it"? Mechanical and technical malfunctions are only mildly interesting without some major impact on people or situation. IMO, not knowing the situation hurts this opening.

And yeah, I realize your POV character might not know yet either, but you've pretty well ruined that with "That had been it."

But that's only one strike in the midst of what appears to be some competent writing. I'd read on to see if the story problem manifests itself quickly, within a page or two.

Spec Fic Tools I: World-building

We're going to take a tiny break from the first page contest to talk about one of the tools in the speculative fiction author's arsenal: world-building.

Perdido Street Station (PSS) by China Mieville was nominated for the 2002 Nebula Award, the 2002 Hugo Award, and won the 2001 Arthur C. Clarke Award and the 2001 British Fantasy Society's August Derleth Award, as well as other awards. How did he do it? I believe one outstanding aspect of Mieville's novel is its complex many-layered world.

Of course, one component of world-building is the physical world, Bas-Lag, with its geology and geography, also referred to as its setting. While we don't know when the events take place, in PSS the physical realm and its descriptions are very important. Mieville explicitly tells the reader this via the Philip K. Dick quote which states losing contact with "the city" is a "form of dying". Right from the beginning, Mieville shows he has done his world-building homework with the New Crobuzon map, with its rivers, hills, woods, and various city neighborhoods. The city itself is "Perched where two rivers strive to become the sea, where mountains become a plateau, where the clumps of trees coagulate to the south and ...are suddenly a forest."

Mieville's imagery is ubiquitous and utilized very effectively throughout PSS to describe the physical setting. The first words we read "Veldt to scrub to fields to farms to these first tumbling houses that rise from the earth. It has been night for a long time. The hovels that encrust the river's edge have grown like mushrooms around me in the dark." evoke sensory stimulation. The author also often effectively evokes olfactory 'images' with his many references to "rotting stew of detritus", "the pungent slick of dung-smell and rot", "pungent smoke", and especially sewage.

Mieville makes excellent use of similes (as above) and metaphors, e.g. "I ...step into the vastness of New Crobuzon, this towering edifice of architecture and history, this complexitude of money and slum, this profane steam-powered god." to describe this physical world.

A world also includes its denizens. PSS contains such a large variety of species, Mieville refers to A Bestiary Of The Potentially Wise: The Sentient Races Of Bas-Lag. The characters include humans, Khepri (human bodies with beetle heads), garuda (bird people), Remade (re-constructed people), intelligent constructs, slake moths (giant brain sucking moths), the Weaver (a giant scissor-handed spider that lives in multiple dimensions), and many, many others. The characters interact with one another in human ways, which include having sex, cheating, betraying, and killing one another. The author also utilizes dialog in an interesting way. Most of the creatures speak or sign in typical human ways with the exception of an interesting few, such as the Hell-Daemon with his echoes from hell, and the Weaver--this effectively singles them out as more alien. For example, the Weaver says things like "...FOUND THE REAVER TEARING WORLDWEAVE OVER THE BLISTERING GLASS AND WE DANCED A BLOODTHIRSTY DUET EACH SAVAGE MOMENT MORE VIOLENT I CANNOT WIN WHEN THESE FOUR DASTARDLY CORNERS SQUARE UP TO ME..."

Speaking of language and words, Dr. Albert W. Wendland of Seton Hill has said "One easy method of world building is simply the transformation of creation of new words that produces an aura of otherness."(personal communication) Mieville is quite adept at transforming and creating new words; some already mentioned in this document include "Bas-Lag" and "Remade".

The culture of the Bas-Lag creatures is very complex. The physical aspects of culture includes architecture which in New Crobuzon "...moves from the industrial to the residential to the opulent to the slum to the underground to the airborne to the modern to the ancient to the colourful to the drab to the fecund to the barren..." In my opinion, the culture of Bas-Lag is perhaps its most interesting aspect with its mix of "science" aka chymistry, magic aka thaumaturgy, sociology and art (e.g. Lin's spit art). The steam-punk technology e.g. difference engines and crisis, A.I. clockwork constructs, dirigibles is particularly intriguing.

I could probably go on and on describing the world of PSS because it is so rich. For example, New Crozbuzon has an interesting government and a flourishing criminal society. All the aspects of Mieville's world-building work well because the multiple layers reinforce the each other. Clearly, Mieville is a master world-builder.

What do you all think? Has anyone else read PSS? Can you think of other good examples of world-building?

First Page Game #8

Alexandria

You can’t even trust the scenery in Alexandria. Shyla checked her exit route from the top of the city gate. She watched the edges of the streets and the corners of the buildings, even the spindly trunk of the solitary palm to the left of the gatehouse, for movement. Any kind of crate or bin, any space created by walls or fences, could hide a spy, someone watching the gate just as she was.

The sun was directly overhead and the stream of people coming from the spacedocks had dried up. It was time to go. Alex is quietest at noon when the brutal heat and light drive everyone indoors. The crenellations of the gatehouse roof hid her from eyesight but not from the weather.

She stretched her legs out, circling her feet at the ankles, getting ready to scramble down the wall, trying not to make too much noise. Then she took one last look at the gate and saw them. Two men were dressed as local merchants in long layers of white and yellow silk. Yet their bearing did not say merchant. They were too alert, too strong looking, too something. Too bearded. The fashion for men on Liberty Colony is to shave.

There are good details that put me in place: we're in a SF story (spacedocks) in a town called Alexandria. We've got a character trying to jump the gate and a couple of goons in disguise, so we're getting hints of a conflict.

This will sound contradictory, but here goes. There aren't enough details and specifics.

First, character motivation. We've touched on the ineffectiveness of keeping secrets from readers during this game. Right now I'm wondering: Why is she trying to get out? Why are people after her? What are the stakes? Why are there spies? This seems to be a merchant town, so what's its underbelly look like and why does it matter to your character? Good, writers think. I have you wondering. Yeah, but unfortunately, I'm also wondering why I should care.

I think this sometimes happens accidentally. A lot of writers are pantzers and they don't know why something is happening when they put the words on the page. But it's important to go back and fill in those blanks. Sometimes it's intentional, though. So take a look at your character's motivation. Will revealing it up the tension in your scene? If it won't, then the reveal will only be that much more disappointing when we finally get it. Details and stakes help readers invest in the story and my distinct preference is to see all that as close to the first page as possible. Right now I don't feel a ton of tension in this scene. I'm guessing knowing what the stakes are would help that.

My second issue is choreography and scene setting. Despite the description, I don't have a good sense of characters moving within this scene, how far up she is, what the ground below looks like, what the true nature of the danger is. Also, the men appear out of nowhere when she's been studying the scene intently. Again, I think some specifics would help here. I don't mean a list, but instead of Any kind of crate or bin, any space created by walls or fences, could hide a spy, someone watching the gate just as she was try having her look at a specific crate with a brief description. Is there movement behind it? Is it a common hiding place? Or even hark back to the time SHE hid behind a crate and how it had given her a perfect view of the gate. And what kind of crate is it? Does it transport plants, drugs, bombs, illegal slaves? That drops a clue to the underbelly of the town. Invoke the senses. All we have are visual clues. Can she smell the illegal spice on secret trade? The reek of the alien slaves? What does the heat feel like as it pounds her back? Is sweat rolling down her sides? Can she hear ships taking off and are they near or far? Do her joints ache as she prepares to jump? A few vivid, key details go further than a broad picture to aiding a reader to paint their own picture of the scene (as readers are supposed to--again, it's part of their investment in the story).

And a final, minor point, this tense switch really threw me: Alex is quietest at noon when the brutal heat and light drive everyone indoors.

In general though, the scene would lead me to read on while watching for these issues to pop back up in the writing. Thanks for playing! I really appreciate showing these to our readers because they help everyone become more effective writers, which makes Electric Spec more fun for our readers!

First Page Game #7

Axis of Garg

Admiral Fleegle stormed about the command center and bellowed, “Qwuk! I’m not in the mood for waiting!” Fleegle was never in the mood for waiting, but that wasn’t the point. The point was he liked how his soldiers writhed with pain at his sonic blasts. “QWUUUK!”

“Here, Admiral,” said Qwuk, who had been at Fleegle’s side.

"Don't sneak, you imbecile. Now, what is that offensive noise?” Fleegle barked. If humans were present they might mistake Fleegle for a soiled, tormented mop, except that mops are not inclined to scream “Qwuuuuk!” or snack on their own soldiers whenever the mood strikes; in Fleegle’s case, the mood struck approximately all the time.

“Monitoring surface broadcasts, Admiral.” Qwuk, not quite a mop, more a soggy feather-duster with mop-ish dreams, flopped an appendage toward the viewport.

Admiral Fleegle took in the light spectrum reflecting off the blue-and-white dappled globe hanging in space. Here it was at last! He shivered with ecstasy. After searching through millennia, his kind could finally behold the Axis and bask in its perfection. How odd that the most sacred site in the universe should reside upon such a foul little hovel. It would have to go, of course.

“Nothing but a trivial conquest, Qwuk, between us and ultimate power.”

Disclaimer: This writer is an acquaintance of mine, but I read without bias. Trust me, I'd reject my best friend if he sent me a crappy story.

That said, I like it. It made me laugh, and I think it's actually supposed to. Score one for the away team. Now, onto Issues.

The silly names strike me as gimmicky. Plus, I get a little defensive, as a spec fic writer, against making fun of the genre. I'm not saying Don't Make Fun. I'm saying that your brand of making fun might not always be my brand. Nothing like humor to bring out the Subjective Hammer of Doom.

With that in mind, I'll be blunt. Most humor I reject suffers from too much telling and authorial intrusion. My brand of storytelling humor relies more on situation and reaction and less on clever clever comments in the narrative. I'm a showing fanatic, but still, I don't think I'm alone in this. Consider a TV sit-com with a narrator who's not as funny as the characters. Just the thought of it makes me squirm.

Mostly, I'm guessing this piece could use cutting. Pick out the funniest bits and cut the rest. I'd trim these lines:

Fleegle was never in the mood for waiting, but that wasn’t the point. The point was he liked how his soldiers writhed with pain at his sonic blasts.

Show that with a reaction from the soldiers on deck and Fleegle's glee. You can even keep "sonic blast" in the description. That kills two birds: more scene setting and showing rather than telling.

except that mops are not inclined to scream “Qwuuuuk!” or snack on their own soldiers whenever the mood strikes; in Fleegle’s case, the mood struck approximately all the time.

Your reader knows mops don't scream and we gather clearly from characterization and action that Fleegle screams and smacks all the time. Again, I think humor and characterization carry a lot more weight by sticking to showing Fleegle in action. Just let the image of the screaming, smacking mop ride without telling the reader "that was the funny bit, in case you missed it." In humor, more than any other genre, I think we must trust our readers to catch on.

This has great potential though. Kudos for landing the story problem front and center and for making me giggle. I'd definitely read on, but I'd keep my laser cutter handy.

Thanks for participating! Keep them coming. We do have a few more entries, and I'll play as long as they come in. :)